Wondrous Words.

Forever doesn't exist.

2012-02-26T18:55:00.001-08:00

One of the saddest things I've ever seen

Is a limp dog tail

Hanging lifelessly

From a table.

Foxy Foxy.

2012-02-08T17:42:00.000-08:00

February 7th 2012.

My friend and I saw The Darkness live!

It was super amazing.

I had been feeling stressed about making the trip since I am such a nervous person but I am sooo glad we went.

Okay, on Monday we went to Syr after school. From there we took a bus to Philadelphia. Initially I was going to drive there but I was worried about the weather. I am not used to driving in the snow yet and my car doesn't have snow tires so we decided to take a bus. As it would turn out, the weather was beautiful. There was no snow and it was even warm. (Weird for February..)

We arrived in Philly around 10 something I think..maybe closer to 11..and we went immediately to the hotel. We had to catch a cab, and the driver was nice enough to take us the long way so our fare would be 20$. (When we took another cab to the same destination, different route, only like 12 bucks. Thanks first guy!) The clerk at the hotel seemed like a lovely fella. He greated us by telling us that he didn't 'fill' like working. It was a bit like this,

Clerk: Maaan I'm ready to go home.
Friend: Oh have you been here all day?

Clerk: Naw, I just don't fill like it. You know what I'm saying? You ever just not fill like doing anything?

Friend: Oh yeah, haha. Are you out soon?

Clerk: Yeah Im affenda get up outta here. Ya'll from New York? I love New York!

It was very precious.

The room was pretty goood. I slept well both nights. I lost 100$ but it made a triumphant return by the end so that was prettyyy chillll.

We woke up early to go to the venue to get our tickets. The guy told us that we had to wait till 7 so we walked around a bit then ended up going back to the hotel and sleeping a few hours lolol.

BUT when we finally went back to the venue, maybe around 4 or so.. there was a little crowd starting. It was a gaggle of teeny boppers. We they were all annoying and bratty to one of their mothers.. Then some weirdo comes over and they all freak out and take pics with him. My friends and I are looking at each other like, "What?!" We felt left out and lost since we had no idea who he was.

A few people later and we find out that the concert has two opening bands. We are not so pumped about it. We made chit chat with some people in line (till they started flirting with the teenyboppers), a friend got us some asprin for our achey heads, and before we knew it we were allowed in!

I had a will call ticket so we had to wait a minute to get in but we surprisingly got an awesome spot in the front thanks to one of the pals we made in line. It was right up front and amazingggg.

The first band kinda sucked balls, the second one was flipping amazing. And! Low and behold, the weirdo with the hair that the boppers were going gaga for was the bassist of the second band. We shoulda gotten up on that when we had the chance, lemme tell ya..

My friend ended up recording most of their performance and I can honestly say that we are probably new fans of them. They did an awesome show. I dont really want to write a big long thinggg but I dont want to forget this night so I am going to make a potentially incomprehensible list.

Foxy Shazam singer spit all over the floor. He said a lot of cute things like, "If shooting people was legal I would be dead!" and, "I don't know what I'm saying.." It was lovely.
Roadies after FS performance cleaned up his spit with a rag. A girl in the audience begged for it, and roadie threw it at her. Some other girl stole it from her, shoved it in her purse, gave her a loook, and ran off.
FS singer ate cigarettes and drank drool out of a shoe. I think drool.
The Darkness opened with Black Shuck and ended with Love on the Rocks. Recorded a lot of this.
Justin was an awesome front man, interacting with the fans and all. I loved it.
Daniel looked so happy and cuteeeeee playing his guitar. He bowed down to the fans at one point. Made me feel good man. We caught one of his picks! Later, we caught a towel he rubbed on his sweaty face. Score.
Justin got on the shoulders of one of the bouncers and went around the crowd. He then climbed up the wall to the balcony and stage dove into the crowd. My friend ran over to him as he did this, and copped a feeeel. Then I touched his leg a liiiittle tiny bit when he floated over my head on the hands of happy happy people.
Some chick jumped on stage (or attempted) while Justin was going around the crowd. Daniel laughed. It was glorious.
Some chick threw her bra on the stage.

Justin:..*looks at it* There's not even a phone number on it! What will happen if I type in "Pink Leopard Print Bra on facebook? It better pop up with a picture of you wearing it. ;)"

It was soosososososo wonderful. I would love to see them again. They are coming out with a new album soon so perhaps it will be possible! It was just crazy and surreal to see another band that I've idolized since I was little one. Im glad I had good friends to go with and I can't wait for the next time.

I hope this memory stays fresh forever.

Tsk tsk tsk..

2012-01-27T20:58:00.000-08:00

The more I want it, the more I know it will never happen.

Friendships are so fickle. I don't know why they can't ever last.

I feel it ending and I don't want it to.

Started school this week.

I am not a fan. :<

My grandpa always says, "We all have to do shit we don't want to." and Lord knows he does.

But everything I do is 'shit I don't want to'.

:(

2012-01-16T19:52:00.000-08:00

Life's a fleeting dream, don't let it go.

Ya gotta make the best of it you know.

Winter break. It was long. I set myself some goals. I accomplished none of them.

I did however, watch a lot of anime.

Some might regret the loss of time spent. Some might curse themselves for their lack of motivation. I mourn for the finality of it.

Ever since I was small I liked watching T.V... More like, loved it. Even after I was done watching a show I sat in my room and imagined how life would be if it were more like whatever I just watched. Make believe always seemed preferable to actuality..but when you live in a disgusting and abusive world what can one really expect? In a lot of the shows I watched life was also pretty abusive. There were always epic battles and scary 'final' fights..blood, sweat, tears, deaths. The characters always over came it though. They always beat the bad guy and went on living.

I was always jealous.

I would have fought 1,000 Majin Boo's when I was 10 years old if I could only escape my pushover mother and terribly abusive step dad. And even though I pretended I could run away I knew it was all just in my head. I wanted to be gone so badly that I told myself stories about how far away I would get. I was always always always making up stories.

Then I met someone.

I thought maybe real life could be more beautiful than T.V.

I stopped being creative, I didn't want to run away anymore.

But it was fake.

The someone left.

The someone was nothing.

My creativity was still gone.

Then another came and went, and another, and another. I never put too much stress on romances so I felt relieved to find a good friend. But good friends never lasted for me either. They always grew out of whatever we had in common, found new friends, found a boyfriend, started doing drugs, blah blah blah. In the end, no matter what, I was always alone. I didn't have any stories left either.

Now I have some good friends. I want to love them like people in TV seem to love their friends but I cant decide if its practical or not.

I guess.. in the end I just want to be smiling...so maybe I should start making myself some stories again.

Petty problems.

2011-10-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's really difficult to not be able to confide in anyone.

Maybe some people believe in God, so that they can think at least someone gives a shit and can make things better.
But it's even... "God only helps those who help themselves."

Sometimes.

2011-09-22T19:32:00.001-07:00

sometimes i think it would be nice to be dead.

Hmm.

2011-09-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

Once I told someone,

"Don't be stupid. People never change."

Perhaps I should follow my own advice.

deleted.

2011-08-19T23:40:00.000-07:00

Hypocrite.

2011-07-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

I went to a wedding on Saturday.
It was very cute, and mushy, and lovey-dovey..
All that loathsome bullshit.
I could be happy for them but it just made me go a little crazy.
Luckily there was an open bar, and I didn't think about all the crazy things while I was sipping on gin.
I can see how it would be easy to become an alcoholic.

I was feeling depressed, because it was such a great wedding. There were lots of people that showed up from all over just to celebrate something with people they cared about. To me weddings are kind of petty, and not really all that they used to be.. so I guess flying from CAli for a wedding was a pretty nice thing to do.

The craziness set in because I can count the people that I care about on my hands, and they had a huge place full of them. These kinds of feelings I don't like keeping. 'It's human.' to feel things, but there's nothing great about being human.

To be a hypocrite this song is making me feel happy.
It's making me think that maybe those people getting married felt this way, and that's why they did it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EyCSeTY8LQ

If it's the dream that you chased
Don't be afraid of getting hurt
On nights then you tremble, I'll hold you close
And so
Stop with that sad looking face
Let me see your smile
It's more wonderful and more precious to me than anything else, that smile.

Clueless.

2011-06-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

i just cant figure out why im so unappealing.

Succumb.

2011-05-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking about the phrase, 'He's good people.'

Grammatically this sentence isn't correct, but it basically means that the person comes from a good family. My dad is a nice guy, but he doesn't do good things. As soon as I turned 18 my dad had me get some of our bills put in my name. He promised that he would keep them paid up to date so that my credit wouldn't get messed up, but naturally that didn't happen. So I'm 20 and I have debt. I'm trying to get into college and financial aid doesn't give me enough to cover the cost of the semester so I have to take out loans (a fixed amount that they allow me). The loans don't even cover the cost of semester so I have to sign my soul over for 15,000$ and make a 2,000$ difference out of my pocket. This leads to a lot of "How am I supposed to..." questions. I'm mostly concerned about paying these loans off. Not a lot of people find luck in getting good paying jobs after college. I'm going to be owing interest on this shit. I feel like I'm chained to a tower of cow shit, and if I move too far in one direction I'll get dumped on. >;\

Today I found out from someone that I work with that the manager of the store plans on firing everyone after the store is built. If that's the case I'm kind of screwed on other levels. If I have no job I can't pay for the stupid loan and I can't do anything I want to. I wish college wasn't necessary to make good money. ..

Anyway I totally got derailed from my original thought. "He's good people."

With my dad who is a drug dealer and me who can't go to college, can I be 'good people' ?
I don't have many friends these days. I only hang out with one person. I always think about making friends with other people but the type of friend I want is not someone who drinks and does drugs. I am starting to doubt that I can make a quality friend if I myself am not 'good people', a quality person.

These thoughts are disconcerting. I want to be motivated so that I can succeed, but most of the time I just want to succumb.

Future~ ☆

2011-05-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

Some people think that tomorrow THE RAPTURE is going to happen.

I think it's stupid, since in the Bible it says 'No one knows the day or hour.." (When God/Jesus will come back and take all their lovely believers to Heaven.) Non-believers get left behind, so people shouldn't worry too much. ANYWAY, since today is so beautiful I was thinking "What if this really is my last day on Earth?" Could I be happy with that? I want to say probably but the answer is no.
Looking at the end made me think of the future.

SO.. Here is some rambling.

I recently got a job at a store. The store was just built like a couple of weeks ago, so our job is to build the inside. If we do well and outshine the other people doing the same thing we will get hired on full time. The work is really brutal. I'm like lifting shit that weighs more than me. I started on Tuesday and we're working until next Thursday with no day off. I wouldn't mind if the job wasn't so laborious. Since we're all temps I don't want to take a day off to rest my aching muscles so I feel like hell. But! I was thinking about the money that I will be making and it helped the wheels in my head start a-turning..

Last year my friend Ryota came to visit me in May. It was a lovely time, and even though we argue over stupid stuff sometimes I wanna go visit him. I also enrolled in college for the fall semester. So, I intend to go to school and work as much as I can saving up all the moolah I can rake in. Then, at the end of the semester if I have enough $$ (which I probably should?) I wanna go see Ryota. MAYBE I'll sleep with some handsome fellas and produce a cute babby for when I come back.

That is the plan.

It's so small, but why is God this way ?

2011-04-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

You must be strong when you want to be weak.

I went to my moms house last night. I keep the door shut, because the cat had babies and the dogs are mean. I came home this morning and the door was still shut. I walked into my room and there were no kittens and no cat. I asked my dad, "Where did the kittens go?" and he casually said "Oh the cat must have brought them into the basement during the night." and I said, "Ohh right okay.." But then it hit me. How is the door closed if the cat brought the kittens downstairs in the basement during the night? So I asked him. He said "Ohhh well we opened the door for the cat because she was in there meowing and we didn't want to listen to that all night." But still.. "So the cat got out, brought all the kittens in the basement, then came back to shut the door?" Then it was like "I don't fucking know you're making me mad."

Later on I get this call from my dad, "Hey listen..." automatically I knew something happened with the kittens. "Are they all dead?" I asked. "No just one. I came home and your door was open and one was sneaking under the gate so it must have done the same thing. I'm so upset..I feel awful.. I wasn't going to tell you but I didn't want you to look for it.." "Which one was it?" "I didn't pay attention. I didn't want to look." I was at my friend Michaels house so I was strong. I had a feeling that it was my favorite one, since she was more adventurous than the rest. I just got home a few minutes ago and when I realized that I was right I felt so terrible. I'm still crying now. Why do innocent things have to die? Why is nature so cruel? The poor little girl was just doing her baby business of exploring and then outta no where some awful dog comes out and kills her. It's awful. Now her soul is gone and her body is rotting outside. I can't stomach it. The mom cat..I don't even think she realizes it. It must be nice to be an animal.

I wonder why these bad things happen.
The only things I have been praying for lately are,

"Please help my grandma.."
and
"Help the kittens be safe!"

But what happens?
The poor kitten gets mauled by a dog and my grandma is still in pain and sad.

a year?!

2011-03-22T00:17:00.000-07:00

I guess it has been quite some time since I have written anything here. Life has been pretty blank. I wanted to write something on my birthday, but I felt so blank I couldn't do it. Usually I like to reflect on the past year (on my birthday) and make some goals to achieve by the next one.

Anyway.. The last time I wrote in here was May so I guess it's almost a year.

Last time I wrote I was happy. I met Ryota again, and I was living with my friend and I had a pretty good job. After he left things kind of went south. Apparently the job I was working at had ended my contract two weeks prior to them actually firing me. I got a new job after so I guess it wasn't that bad.. But in the mean time my friend broke up with her fiance and we had to leave our apartment. My grandparents let me live with them for awhile, but my grandpa always was mad at me for my room being messy and eventually I had to move in with my other grandma. She lived with my aunt and my aunts two kids. My aunt is a lazy lazy person, and my poor grandma is like 60 something and taking care of little kids. My aunt didn't do anything around the house. I stayed there for a few months and I cooked dinner every night, did the dishes, washed her laundry, cleaned the house etcetc.. and I was working 2 jobs so I could get my own place. I didnt mind taking care of things because I didn't want my grandma to since she's so old. Then suddenly my aunt wanted to quit her job (that she worked 6 hours a week at) and school and she wanted me to pay her rent. I would have paid it, but I slept on her couch and did all the house work so I didnt feel like I had to and I left her house. Now I'm living with my dad and his insane girlfriend. Things there are pretty inconvenient. :l

But! What I mostly wanted to write about was the relationships I've been in. Let's start with the first one.

WELL I guess I dated Antonio for awhile, like 3 years but we broke up 'cause he liked some other girl..(who he thought was younger than me...pedo alert?) and after him I dated some kid for like a month, and that was a year or so after Antonio and I broke up. THEN The next? summer I met this old fella. Cesaaaar.

THE CESAR ERA

I met him at the end of May or the beginning of June. At this point in time I had plans to move to China in September. Cesar was leaving New York in September, so having a little affair with him seemed like it might be fun. The three months he was there, were the most dramatic three months of my LIFE. He was a polo player and there with his team for the summer. My (eX)friend Nikki met him through this old bitch we knew named Amy. Amy is like thirty something, thinks she's hot shit and is really chunky and offensive to the eyes. BUT she acts like everyone loves her and shes the best thing since sliced bread. I liked her at first, but then the second day we knew her she told us some dramatic story about how she got impregnated when she was 18 (by one of the polo guys) and had to get an abortion. A cool thing to know when you JUST meet someone right? Anyway after that I was kind of turned off by her. She also said things like, "Oh I hang out with young girls to make myself feel young!" And whenever we went to her house she'd sing karaoke badly and try to make me dance and sing and I am not into that shit. OH and perhaps the most important thing about Amy is that she loves horses. Some people can be healthy about it, but shes like the type that wanted to grow up and be a pony when she was 8 and decorated her room with horse paraphernalia. Amy also had casual sex with a lot of people and was a fan of taking 'The Plan B" pill. SOSOSO basically I hate(d) her...and she introduced Nikki to the polo guys (since apparently being raped by them isn't a deterrent to hanging out with them) . She introduced Nikki to them because they like younger girls, and Nikki was not feeling it so one day when Cesar was feeling up on her she called me and was like , "Help me this old guy is all over me, I want him off!" so I talked to him on the phone and was like, "Hay big boy ;) you gunn teach me how to ride a pony?" I hated horses, but Nikki told me he was wealthy so I feigned interest. Apparently my feigned interest worked.

A couple days later Nikki and I went over to THE POLO BARN under the pretense of 'working' for Cesar. He showed us around the barn and told us in his broken english how to do certain things, but the whole time was like hanging all over me. Then at one point he dragged me into the tack room and made me sit on his lap..and was like ";) So you wanna kiss me?" I am usually a dignified person but I was thinking.. "Ah, a rich old man....leaving in September..why the hell not?" But I wanted to be hard to get so I was like "OH NO NO NO HEHEHEe.." Vomit right?

Then later that night Cesar and the other guys took us out to dinner at some nice shindig of a place. I had to read the menu for him, since he didnt know English well enough, and ordered for him. Then while Amy was hanging all over this fellow named Dennis, and Nikki was fawning over this creeper Ovido, Cesar and I played some footsie under the table and talked 'learning English.' At the end of this glorious meal Cesar whipped out the old wallet and paid for the bill without a second thought. It was like 300$ or so.. At that moment, I finally decided.. "This fella is going to be mine."

I don't remember if it was that night, or the next one, but everyone got drunk over at Cesars house. Amy 'danced' with Dennis to some awful Spanish music and Nikki got conned into making out with Ovidio. So I played some kissy kissy with ole Cesar and lead him away. Come to think of it, this must have been a few days after dinner because Nikki and I brought our impressive arsenal of liqour to his house, and I remember driving home drunk. ANYWAY, I dragged him off to his room and we got a little handsy. Then, Nikki barged in and wanted to go home so we left.. We were giggling and dying the whole way home since we were pretty drunk and she was driving like an old woman..but anyway, all and all it was a pretty enjoyable night. Since that night Cesar started calling me like everyday, and tried to get me to go out places with him and I would just flirt with him on the phone.

One Wednesday (We usually went to KARAOKE for funsies) I convinced Cesar to meet us at the bar. Amy was like freaking out because apparently Cesar never made an appearance any where, so 'he must have really liked me'. I would like to add that since I met him he referred to me as 'his baby' and always praised Nikki for 'bringing his baby to him'. SOSOS ANyway, I got him to come to karaoke and it was a big deal. But I thought it was pretty boring, and the bar was really small.. so I told Nikki discretely, "I'm going to try and seal the deal with this guy. Can you pick me up from his house after you're done here?" and she was like "OMGGG DO ITT OK!!" So Cesar was drinking some Merlot and sitting at the table with me and I said, "Hey you live around here don't you? ;)" And he was like "Yeah I leave near here, how come?" And I just looked away 'bashfully' and said "Oh just curious.." and hes like "..OHH ok.. You wanna see my house? ;D" and I was like "Yeah I'd love tooooo!" Because last time we were pretty drunk remember?

SO I left the bar, with Cesar, and we went to his house. The drive there I texted Nikki and we were geeking out over it, whilst he had his hand up my skirt with one hand and drove with the other. When we got to his house it didn't take long to get down to the nitty gritty, and to this day I have to say it was probably the best sex I've ever had. AS PLANNED, Nikki picked me up but for some reason her boyfriend had showed up at the bar with his friend Jaime, so she had to distract them whilst I hurried around getting my undies in line. But, I had accomplished my goal of 'sealing the deal' and Cesar was even more smitten with me than he was before. Nikki and I gossiped like little girls over the naughties we were doing and all was fun and good..until ~

The next day..Amy texted me , "OOo what did you do last night you naughty girl? ;) Saw you leave the bar with Salad Boy (cesar, obv) " Amy had never texted me before in my life. So I figured she just wanted to get the words out of my mouth so she could gossip to everyone with an ear..So I pretended we didn't do anything except oral. But she was pretty impressed with that..so she started joking about how Nikki couldn't 'keep up with the big dogs' meaning Amy and I. So after this comment Nikki started getting a little bit serious. Please keep in mind she was engaged to her previously mentioned 'boyfriend' and we all lived together hunky dory. So, while her fiance/bf was working nights at this shit restaurant we were over at the polo barn and she was making out with creepy Ovidio. Then, she decided she didn't like Ovidio any more and started going after Dennis every time Amy had her back turned. Then one night she got with this Argentifag named Rodrigo, but was pretty shit faced. She mistakenly told Amy about this drunken endeavor. (This is a seed, keep it in mind.)

ONE DAY, Nikki and I were at Amys house and Nikki was riding this horse called Skip. (Nikki is one of those 8 year old horse girls too.) Cesar and Dennis came by because we were there and Cesar noticed that the horse needed new shoes. So he told Amy that he would do it for free, and a couple of days later we met up there to watch the process. Nikki and I got there before them and Amy had a couple of her friends over. I am generally uncomfortable around people so I stuck to helping Nikki set the horse up to shoeing. Then Amy comes over with this fat girl entourage of hers and says in a pretty haughty tone,

"Oh, Cesar told me he's going to dump you." IN FRONT OF THESE BITCHES I DONT KNOW? WTF? So I get all defensive and say,

"Oh it's a good thing I'm not dating him then." and shes like "IM SORRY THATS JUST WHaT HE TOLD ME, HE TOlD ME HES GUNNA BREAK UP WITH HIS BABYY." and I was like "Ok I just said I dont fuck care shut up." Vassever. Then soon Cesar shows up with his Mexi-crew and is hugging me and stuff and I say,

"I heard you were breaking up with me!" and he's all
"No no you're my baby I love youuu Who said that?" and Nikki is like
"Yeah Amy told us." and he turns to Amy and is like
"ARE YOU A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OR SOMETHING?!"
And shes like
"OH YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE WEHH WEHH WEHHH'
And hes all
"I WAS JUST KiDDING YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL THE WORLD WTFF"
Any way hes all huggy and like, "I dont leave my baby I dont leave my baby.."

Amy just shrugs it off and Cesar gets to shoeing the horse. The whole time he's doing it Amy is bitching at him for whatever. The guy is like 43 and has been doing it for over 20 years so I figure he knew what he was doing..and he was getting annoyed. Then when he was done the horse walked funny for a second (Getting used to the shoes I assume) and Amy is like
"OH LOOK YOU MADE HIM WORSE HE CANT EVEN WALK RWARWR"

So Cesar gets pissed and says, "let's go" and he gets in the truck with his Mexi-crew and Amy walks over and stands on the door step thing and is being all lovey dovey with Dennis through the window, and Cesar is driving away while she's hanging on there cause hes completely pissed she didnt even say thank you. Then that night we go to Cesars house. Again, Nikki and I are the first ones to get there and Dennis is making some awesome chow for everyone. SOOO we eat it all and get comfy and watchsome TV. Then like an hour later Amy shows up, puts her phone on the counter, and is like
"You guys knew I was hungry. You couldn't wait?"

Cesar: You just came from Grant Ave (a place that has fast food every two steps) you couldn't get something from there?

Amy: WHAT? You want me to go there ALONE?

Cesar: Yeah why not? You could have gone through the drive thru or something.

Amy: IN THE DARK?

Cesar: What are you worried about? It's not like someone would want to rape you. :l (I die at this point.)

Dennis: I have food at my house..

Amy: Well Watch my phone guys we're going across the street. (Dennis house is across the street.)

They leave..
Cesar goes on a rant how Amy is a fucking bitch acting like she owns the barn and he hates her and shes a this and a that and blah blah blah. Nikki and I die laughing and go through her cell phone laughing at all the sexy texts she sends people, etc etc

So remember this night.

One day in this three month period Cesar tells Amy she's a bitch and he doesn't want her around his horses or his team. She gets pissed off, and blames it on ME. She says "Cesar doesnt mean it hes just used to CERTAIN WOMEN bossing him around." The fuck? Right?

Then somehow Nikki's fiance finds out about her little ring around the Rodrigo. That causes the drama, they break up, we move out. We then find out Amy told fiance boy everything. We wonder how Amy has fiance boys number. Drama drama drama. So instead of Amy coming with us Nikki starts dragging her 16-17 year old sister with her, Noelle. (At this point I am talking to Cesar on the phone like every other hour that Im not with him and spending the night at his house every night) A couple of new guys showed up, Mancho and Domingo. Noelle gets the hots for Domingo who is like older than Cesar and tries to get me to conspire with her so she can fuck the lights out of Domingo. I kind of , admittedly, went along with he and distracted Nikki once or twice. One time Noelle snuck over to his house (Dennis's house..Dennis had left at this point. Apparently he had a girlfriend in Boston and he went to live/work with her. Amy was not pleased.) and was like trying to get Domingo to fuck her and he was so terrified he pretended o be on the phone and made her leave. He then warned all the guys not to mess with her, because she is jailbait and it's illegal. One of those days Nikki started getting jealous of how well Cesar and I got along and wouldn't bring me over at all and just bring Noelle. Then after they would leave Cesar would call me and be like "NIKKi IS TRYiNG TO GET ME TO DATE HER MOM." "NIKKI SAID YOU TOLD HER TO HAvE SEX WITH ME." and Nikki is showing up at my house like, "Oooh Cesar wants my mom." or "Ohh Cesar tried to have sex with me omggg." At the same time shes telling Cesar I'm cheating on him and stuff. (Which he knows is bullshit because Im at his house every night and working during the day. But she didnt know that.)

Cesar during the summer, was paying Nikki to do a half assed job cleaning up after the horses and polo matches so she could pay for her car. Then he decides finally that Nikki is also a bitch and doesnt want to give her anymore money. So Nikki gets this great idea that she's going to pimp her little sister off to Mancho so she can pay for her car. Noelle was all gung ho for it to until the last minute which pissed Nikki off. ALSO.. Noelle got with Ovidio..during one of the times Nikki didnt bring me along. Then one of those lovely Summer days, Mancho tells Nikki he will give her a horse if she has sex with him. She totally analed with him for a horse and he didnt give her one. Then Nikki stopped coming around and I was always with Cesar, and he felt bad for her and gave her a horse, and it wasn't good enough, and bla bla bla, and Amy and Nikki became biffles..

Then September comes. Cesar told me I shouldn't move to China, but I had already decided not to because my friend was acting kind of sketchy. Also, my grandma was really ill and my mom didn't want me to leave the country while she was sick...so it seemed like I shouldn't go. Cesar then drops this bomb that he's married (but getting a 'divorce') and I can't come with him when he leaves but maybe one week I can visit him...bla bla bla life is fucked.

Why I am writing about Cesar so much is, I really liked him. He always wanted to see me, even if I didn't want to have sex with him, and we always went out places.. He drove quite a ways to pick me up and bring me home.. He visited me at work.. he made me breakfast we went on a mini vacation..*sigh* He was truly lovely. I adored him, but he left.

--

THE LOPEZ ERA

I kind of jumped the gun with this one. Cesar wasn't even gone two weeks, and I had already slept with this Lopez fella. I met him through a friend in May/June but unfortunately had already committed to Cesar when I realized I might like him. We hung out once, then I introduced him to Nikki once. He was very awkward but totally adorable about it, and generally a nice and funny fella. We talked through out the summer. Then when Cesar left Nikki started like encouraging me to 'date' Lopez and to 'hook up' with him and stuff.. but I was kiiiind of in lovu lovu with Cesar and I didn't want to. Cesar didn't talk to me at all after he left so I figured I might as well. SO A few times I hung out exclusively with Lopez and once Nikki invited herself and he bailed telling me he didn't really like Nikki at all. I can't blame him, she kind of acts like a bull dike. (OH he also tagged along with us on Karaoke wednesdaysss sometimes)

Nikki started dating this Mexican guy named 'Julito'. The first time I slept with Lopez was a night I was at the laundromat with Nikki and Julio. Nikki had made him cry for asking him something personal about his son..and so I kind of walked out and called Lopez. The conversation went like this :

Me: Heey Lopey! What's going on?
Him: Oh just drinking.
Me: That's a shame..
Him: How come?
Me: Well it's illegal to drink and drive.
Him: Why would I drive any where?
Me: Welll I was hoping we could fuck the night away.
A pause.
Him: W-wait..what?! Are you serious?
Me: Yeah I totally wanna bone!
nikki had come out and was giggling with me through the pause
Him: Uhh..where are you.
I told him
Him: I can be there in like 20 minutes?

And he was! The funny thing about it is he was 45 minutes away. He came in the laundromat all sly, and casual and Nikki was like "Oh are you guys going to have sex?" and hes likE "NO!!..Maybe..Well, see you!"

SO WE LEFT.. And we banged.

Lopez was a pretty hilarious lay. He was very vocal about being pleased..and he paused at one point to say, "Oh I love this song!" and sing a few lyrics before continuing. It was just..hilarious. After that night we decided to become 'Skanky Buddies' and so met up a few times to commit acts that only Skanky Buddies can conduct.

One night we met Nikki at karaoke. She made him get me, we show up and she has three high tops filled with men she invited and in the center is her and Amy. She didn't even save us a spot. So we sat at a lower table near them. We ordered food and drink, and got both of them before she came over to us. She told Lopez he looked like a fag, I punched her, she laughed and walked off. WE ATE. She didn't talk to us.. So Lopey was like "I have this party we can go to instead.." and I agreed. So I went over to the hightopss and was like "Oh we're leaving." and she says "OH So you guys can fuck?" and I was like ":l" and she goeS "You know Lopez Im really sick of you bailing all the time." and hes like "Well I have a life sooo whatever. Bye."

WE WENT TO NO PARTY, AND FUCKED INSTEAD. I get a text from her the next day..
"I really hate you leave early with the guy I like so you can fuck."

Since when has she liked him? She texts me ferociously for 20 minutes about how I'm just a skinny skank who needs to find a dick to ride, etc etc. I was pretty offended , considering nikki and I had been friends since like sophmore year and she had more cock than I ever have. If she liked him so much she should have dated him while I was with Cesar. Or she should have been with him instead of Ovido, Matt, Matt, Mancho, Jay, Justin, Dennis, Rodrigo, and Julio. She was sexual with all of these people, but I was still the slut. She then told me that men only like me because I am skinnier than her and I put out. She is fat, farts all the time, punches people, shoves her rolls around when shes drunk, and has absolutely no class. But people only like me because I'm skinny. Okay.

I decided I didnt wanna be friends with her anymore. It seems small, but she was just way too crazy. I didn't write in all the strange things she did but I was just done with her and totally offended by her words. She apologized, I didnt accept, so she reiterated all her previous opinions. She moves in with AMY.

Lopez asks me out. We date for a month or so I think everything is going fine, then!

THE HAYTHAM ERA

A friend of mine that I've had from the internet for like 10 years moved to Canada. He had lived in Egypt previously so I went to meet him when he had gotten a little more settled in. I didn't want to have sex with him , because I dating Lopez but I disappointed myself and gave in anyway.

It was kind of crazy. It felt like I was in a dream when I was visiting him. I'll tell ya why:

I had spoken with him online since I was eleven years old. He always was flirty with me and I had like some amazing crush on him. It was like how little girls used to love The Backstreet Boys. I idolized this boy and whenever I felt down or something I would think, "Well I will meet Haytham one day and we'll fall in love and everything will be ok." He was kind of my scapegoat from reality at times. And everytime we spoke he talked about how much he liked me and wanted to meet me and stuff. SO the eight years later I met him when I had the chance. I still dont remember the first time much because like I said, I really felt like it was a dream.

I got back to NY on Lopeys and my 'one monthh' sentimental right? I reminded him of it. I figured we could hang out or something. NOTHING MUSHY. Just movie it up. SOMETHING, anything. But he left to Boston with his boy toys. I didnt like it, and it made me feel sad. I wondered why I left my dream guy in CAnada to go back to empty New York. No one even picked me up from the terminal..so I felt all forgotten and shit and I hated life. Eventually Lopez and I broke up because "I was too annoying and unopinionated." But really I only talked to him when he texted me first, and he worked ALLL day long so I wasnt pushy about things I wanted to do. BUT ..that makes me whatever SO WHATEERFAJSFD. He then says, "We should have never dated. Why did we ruin such a beautiful thing?" MEANING..WHY DIDNT WE JUST HAVE SEX. Also he said "Well we can still be friends and do stuff cause I dont like burning bridges.." MEANING, HE STILL WANTED TO HAVE SEX.

I didn't care, because HAYTHAM was just a few hours away and I already cheated on Lopez with him technically anyway.

I met Haytham two more times. Around Christmas, and for a week or so before my birthday. The first day of the first time I met him..he met me at the bus stop, we went to his house, and he was like "Ooo.. I have to run out sorry." and he was gone for like SIX hours. : l

Then the next time I went ..I dont remember very well either. It was just for a few days.

But! The most recent time he had started working at 3pm-12pm and 2pm-11pm every other day. He would wake up at ONE, got to the gym for an hour then go to work directly after. Then he would come home, we'd cook and argue about something, he'd try to fuck, and we'd go to sleep and start the whole cycle over again.

So basically I didn't see him much at all. I felt like I was wasting my emotions, time, and money, on a jerk. (and really I was.) He could have woken up earlier, or not gone to the gym everyday, so we could hang out more. Then during these trips he showed me all these gorgeous ex girlfriends of his, told me about how he had sex with a prostitute, about how he did coke, about how he had four girlfriends at once one time, about how he cheated on his previous girlfriends..

Why was I dating this guy? Why did I still idolize him?

I don't know.

I just got off the phone with him awhile ago (We decided to date after Lopez and I broke up, and he's been such a cock hole lately that I broke up with him a couple weeks ago.) He told me that he was making out with some girl before we broke up. But he was drunk. So that means its ok right? ;l

Then before we broke up he was saying we should just date when I'm there. So what in the mean time?

I started to miss him lately but I don't know why and Im glad I got this reminder. I care about him since I've known him so long ,but I wish he wasnt so icky. He like has some God complex, meaning he thinks hes God. When I was dating him he always said how ccertain girls were hot and stuf.f. but 'hes just kidding'.

I DONNO I DONNO.

It made me cry almost, tonight. Eventually he'll have to leave Canada and go back to Egypt, then I'll probably not see him again. The thought makes me sad but I can't stand him.

Then I thought about Cesar. I really really adored him but he had to go and be married and disgusting in his own right.

Then I thought about how shitty Lopez was, and how I have no friends because I slept with him.

And I wonder, "Why is my life like this? How come things went so bad? Why do I feel so unfulfilled?" and I realize...

I was supposed to fucking be in China! I planned my life out with someone who was supposed to be my friend. He made me feel insecure about going with him , and uneasy...so I didn't go. But I really wish I had! then I wouldn't have been with Lopez and lost a friendship. Then I wouldn't have met Haytham and had all my dreams of him crushed. But I didn't go. And I found out I was basically being black mailed to go in the first place. It makes me feel awful. Who can I trust? Who can be my friend? If not someone I planned a future with? Or someone I've known for nearly 10 years? Who who who?

So that's where my life is now. I am stuck and I am lost and I am lonely.

Strangely enough, I mostly don't care. I just wish I had some motivation, or some goal but I am just blank.

My past year:

Antonio

Ryota
Cesar

Nikki

and...

My Suuuumi.

pictures are good for memories, but what if i don't want 'em?

Unconditional.

2010-05-27T21:44:00.001-07:00

I wrote this once,

"Some one once said, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I would have to disagree. Losing love should be considered sacrilegious. The agony one’s cold soul goes through to even get close enough to feel the seemingly forbidden love is a petty inconvenience. When one starts to fall in ‘love’ he begins to doubt himself, to curse himself, to loathe himself. To experience all of those things for the brief comfort of ‘love’ is cruel. To say it is better to have lost love than to never have loved at all is crueler yet."

I like writing stories. They hurt fictional characters while making a point.

Some times I feel like a fictional character.

I can't sleep! - Random train of thought.

2010-05-18T23:49:00.000-07:00

The day before High school came I thought, "This isn't really happening. Tomorrow wont come. The world will end."

The day my mom left her ex husband I thought, "This isn't really happening. We wont move out. The world will end."

When I found out my mom was pregnant for Riley I thought, "This isn't really happening. The baby will never be born. The world will end."

When I learned my dad did drugs I thought, "This isn't really happening. My dad wouldn't lie. The world will end."

When I broke up with Antonio I thought, "This isn't really happening. I love him too much. The world will end."

I never ever ever think about next week. How can I know what I want in 10 years?

My childhood was never happy, so at times I think what I want the most is to make a child happy.

I was always left alone and only had animals to keep me company, so at times I think what I want the most is to protect them.

My mother never paid any attention to me, or tried to do anything for me. My dad always did his best for me. It makes me think that what I want most is to be a man.

Since I was always alone until I was 13 or so, I learned about how ugly the world was. I never wanted to think about next week, because I knew it would be the same and I would still be by myself. I never trusted my mother because her promises were always empty. She was never empty for my brother. It made me bitter, I'm still bitter.

I hate it because it makes me vulnerable. I feel close to nice people too fast. Those people never last in my life.

My grandma always told me, "You have to depend on yourself." But do I matter? I have always depended on myself, it makes it hard for me to trust people. Antonio always told me, "You don't need people."

What do I need? What do I want?

I smiled when the sun finally shone on me,
but now it's setting,
and I'm getting cold.

Are You Glad to be Home?

2010-05-13T14:44:00.000-07:00

Finally, after about 3 years, I got to see my friend Ryota! Initially he was going to arrive on the 6th and come to Auburn until the 8th and then return to Japan on the 10th. Instead, he came on the 6th and the two of us went to NYC on the 7th~ Lemme tell ya, it was pretty exciting stuff!

The drive was pretty fun, my best bud/roommate Nikki said she would take time off from work to drive there and back so that we could pick up Ryota. I thought the trip would only take 3-4 hours, but I was sadly mistaken. It took about 5 hours to get there, and probably 6 hours to get back since Nikki kept getting lost hahaha.. But that's okay! I didn't mind that the trip took so terribly long because what was waiting for us in NYC was worth the trip 1000 times.

On the way there I was really nervous! It wasn't because Nikki was driving 118mph, not paying attention to the road, or running over birds (one of which exploded on the hood of the car and windshield) BUT because I didn't know what to expect. I didn't want to look fat, or ugly, or gross, or be obnoxious, or this, or that, blah blah blah.. So the whole ride to NYC I felt sick to my stomach. (The bird guts could have added to that..) and some thing new and exciting happened to me! My palms started sweating~! The bottoms of my feet too! It was horrifically disgusting, but also kind of funny because I kept falling out of my shoes.

We couldn't find Ryota at the airport~ Because he told us the wrong terminal~~ But that was okay! We eventually all met up and... I was so happy~ I think in the 3 years I haven't seen him, he's gotten cuter heh heh hehh.. He said "Youre short!" ;_; but I warned him about that.. We went to sleep after we got back to Auburn and ate~ The next day we went to the playground and saw my Grandma. I'm glad that he met my Grandma, because she's probably the most important person to me and I really wanted her to get to see him. Ofcourse she thought he was adorable and lovely. Even though he let the dogs run outside. (It was kind of my fault too nyahahaha.) That afternoon Ryota said we should go to NYC and I agreed. I wasn't sure it could happen, and I was really surprised to see how simple it was to find a place to stay and way to get there. I didn't think the bus ride took as long as the car ride, but then again I enjoyed hanging out with my pal.

In the past I was kind of afraid of NYC. I thought it was too big, and confusing, and full of thiefs and murderers but I was pleasantly proven wrong. One of the things I was most afraid of was the subway but I had to tackle that fear as soon as we got off the bus. I think it was kind of fun actually! Walking in heels isn't very difficult for me but balancing in them on the subway is. I think I got the whole 'subway experience' done within the first three times being on it. I unintentionaly molested some one, I stood in vomit for 5 minutes before realizing it, I almost fell every time the train moved, a 'homeless' guy begged every one for money, AAAAAND a creep sat next to me. (A black lady yelled at us too but I think Ryota never noticed hahaha.) I was a little disappointed that 54 Japanese school girls didn't jump infront of the train though..(Heh.)

We stayed in a Japanese hostel. I didn't understand much, but I really looooved listening to Japanese converstaion. I think Japanese is a truly beautiful language. A guy there, Takashi, was adorable. He tried to talk to me a couple of times. I didn't speak too much because I felt like I was an intruder. There was another guy staying there that I thought might be a little bit rude, but on my last day he said, "Good morning!!" and it made me happyyy. Hahaha. We went to the zoo and the museum, and made alot of nice memories.~

When we parted I felt sad, but I felt inspired too. I have a reason to work now. Before I was working so that I could survive, but now I want to work towards a goal so I can live.

My dad met me at the terminal in Syracuse with some food and he asked me "Are you glad to be home?" It might have a hurt a little bit, but I had to be honest and said, "Not really.."

I enjoyed being in NYC. I never saw the same person twice, and I got to experience alot of new things. I learned a lot of significant things in the short time I was there too. I actually really miss it.

Insignificant.

2010-04-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

Hello dear blog!

Since the last time I have written on this thing, a bunch of things have happened. About a month ago I moved into an apartment with my friend Nikki and her boyfriend Matt. I wasn't really worried about leaving my dads house because I had lived in an apartment before. This time it's really different.

I used to live with my ex boyfriend Antonio. I worked at a restaurant near that apartment, and there were a lot of stores around it so I never really had to worry about a car. When I lived with Antonio I was really independent, the only time I ever needed any thing from one of my parents was when I needed to go to school. I went to school until 2pm and then I would go to work until 9 or 10pm after school. When I got back to the apartment I would eat (my job gave you food) and then clean the house. Antonio worked from 4pm until 2am so I always had the place to myself and it was peaceful.

Now it's not so peaceful. I have to buy food all the time, and get rides to work, and deal with both of my roommates. I get easily annoyed by them because I have to see them all the time and they're both a bit ostentatious. I don't see Matt too often because he usually works at night, but I really can't stand him when I do see him. He goes in my room all the time and it makes me mad. I don't go in his room, he shouldn't go in mine! He is a very selfish man and blindly thinks only of himself. He kicked my brother out of my house, after barging into my room, because he had drugs on him. He was really rude about it. I knew my brother had drugs and so did Nikki and my brother knew he wasn't allowed to do them in my house. My brother just went into my room to do some thing so he wouldn't be in every ones way. Matt barged into my room and said, "Get the fuck out of my house!" To be blunt, it pissed me off. In my mind it's not anyones job to yell at my brother except mine! I think Matt is selfish and ignorant because as soon as my brother left he apologized to me. If you are going to act recklessly and apologize immediately after, you should think before you act a little longer. The next day Matt was complaining about how Nikki doesn't like his sister. He said, "I never get to see my family! Its not fair that they can't come to our apartment because it's my house too!" I haven't seen my brother in a month, and last I knew I was paying for the apartment too.

I'm trying to get over my anger because I can see why Matt is angry. I'm trying to become unbiased in my opions these days. I think it is a good thing to challenge yourself to see both sides of an issue before you pass judgement.

Nikki is bothering me a little bit too. She's always been rude, but I can't stand it when she's rude to me.

I feel lonely lately, and terribly insignificant. I don't want to sound cliche or depressed but, if I wasn't here it wouldn't effect anyone.

Undecided.

2010-02-25T13:52:00.000-08:00

What is going to happen?
Let's not be insecure!

I have been writing silly stories.~

Fake fake 2.

2010-02-23T22:36:00.000-08:00

Hello blog land! Prepare for a doozy.

Right now I am thinking about a wonderful thing called 'pet peeves'. You know, those stupid things people do that are petty but very very very annoying. I only have a few major ones right now, but I am going to list them in hopes that I can cope with them! I am currently in a position where it is vital I deal with these tiny peeves.

First One: Selfish people. I think that people are selfish because they are too innocent. I know that sounds weird, but people with out a lot of life experience to me are 'innocent'. If one doesn't have any experience with people they might find it difficult to pick up signs from people which probably makes them seem selfish. Today I downloaded a lot of songs for my friend and sent them to her computer. Instead of realizing the work I had to put into finding her the songs and sending them, she realized some thing that inconvenienced HER. The songs were not in order when I transferred them, so she could only think about that. It's very obnoxious.

Second One: Being corrected. I think being corrected is a good thing..IF your mistake is some thing that's important or could effect you badly. I hate when people have to always be right and can't let one thing go. I hate when they have to argue every point just because they think they're right. Every thing is not a battle, and if you view it as one you should learn how to surrender some times. It is even more obnoxious when a person goes out of their way to prove that they are right and show you. From their point of view it must be like "I just wanted to let you know what was right!" But to me I see it as, "I just wanted to let you know that I was right!"

I guess that's all for now. Now onto some other news!

My cousin had a baby on the 13th (I think I wrote about it a little bit last blog) and unfortunately she passed away on the 22nd. I believe every one in life has a purpose to fulfill before they pass away. The baby brought many people together, and made them open their eyes and be more accepting. I think she also made people appreciate the time they have with loved ones. So! I think the baby fulfilled her purpose.

Many of my friends are getting upset with me about wanting to move. My friend Nikki in particular is very upset. I think we have a good relationship and she is one of the first people to say some thing like, "You're really a good friend you know that?" She's a very determined person. It's strange but I am proud of her for the things she accomplishes and can handle. It's strange because I have no right to be proud for any reason hahaha. It is a bit difficult leaving her since I cherish her friendship quite a bit! However, I feel like moving is an important thing for me to do so I really want to do it.~

It is Ryota's birthday in a few hours.~!!

I'm thinking about a bunch of stuff again! AHHH.

2010-02-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

Woo! It's been quite awhile since I've written any blogs. I had better make this one amazing. Ready? GO!

I turned 19 recently! I realized when I turned 19 that I really didn't accomplish any thing when I was 18. I learned a lot of things about the person I want to be and the people I want to spend my time with, but I didn't do any thing wonderful. One of the most important things I learned was... I don't think I should stress relationships! Many people make getting a boyfriend or a girlfriend their biggest priority in life and I think it's a little bit stupid. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt. She has two kids and is divorced. To me it seemed like she spent more time looking for a boyfriend so she could complete the 'family' illusion that she neglected to take care of (and perfect!) the family she already had which is : her children! My mother did the same thing to my brother and I when we were young. She was so concerned that we wouldn't have a positive male role model in our lives that we lost our female role model as well. I used to be very sour about that, but I think it made me who I am so I can't be mad any more.

Another reason I think my mom and my aunt were so obsessed with the 'family' picture is that it's kind of ...stressed by society. Not new society, old society. My cousin had a mixed race baby last week and my Grandma was telling me about how she thinks it wrong. She's under the impression that a mixed child fits in neither world. Black people world or White people world. Hahahah. I told her that I think that's what life has become now a days, and the children aren't really outcasted but..I'm not a mixed race person so I don't really know. Also, a child should be loved by their family no matter what race they are or aren't so they would fit in that world! Family World. ;D Any way I think her kind of thinking is 'old society'. New society thinking might be some thing like my other grandma Mimi~ When I told her about my cousin she was excited because..it was a baby! She wasn't mad or concerned the baby wouldn't fit in any 'world'. Just happy. My cousin isn't related to Mimi and, she wanted to help all she could hahah. I love my grandmaaa.. Both of them hehe. It's a nice contrast between the two. My cousins pregnancy in general was very controversal. She's very young so mostly people were concerned about that, then they were concerned about the race and made nasty jokes, many people were mad. That baby isn't doing very well now and is expected to die. Now no one is nasty or mad at her for existing. It's not her fault she was born afterall. It's kind of funny how some thing like 'death' has to make people open their eyes and be more accepting. Actually it's not funny at all, it's very sad.

~

I made a friend on the internet perhaps..four years ago! We didn't chat much at first but through the years we learned alot of things about each other. I learned about her family situation and we kept in contact when she had to move all across the U.S so we became kind of close. She likes how I think since I'm kind of a 'can doster' and help her figure out things.. But! She moved to New York last summer so we got to hang out a few times. On my birthday she and her very lovely father came to my house to spend it with me and my family since I wanted them to meet my Mimi~ It was very fun. I never have been so excited about my birthday hahaha. We all had fun and my friend (whose name is Scone) loved Mimi. SO I felt really happy the whole day. Then after we ate and hung out with every one I went to their house. They live in a place that is about 3 hours away from me. At first the trip went okay but I noticed that Scone was acting very different. Usually she's very sweet but she had some sort of attitude problem th first couple of days and I wanted to leave. I felt like I wasted my time with her since she was being such a brat. Then I realized some thing! She was really really upset about her father having to go to Afghanistan. So I stretched my patience with her a bit. I thought, "This is hard for her. I should be nice. :)" but I HATE being nice when the other person is just OBLIVIOUS to it. It's infuriating! So finally I told her that I didn't like her being so rude to me. She didn't realize that she had been and apologized but I was still mad hahah. When she found out the definate date her dad was leaving she got a new mood and started being nice again. I'm glad that she's being nice again, because now I can help her with her grief better.~

When Scone talks about what is bothering her I try to suggest things she can do to help or I just say what's on my mind about it. She says "But.." as a response too much. I think people these days are so afraid of trying some thing and failing that they never take even the first step towards that thing. Personally, I would rather try and fail than never have had tried in the first place. But! In a way, I have always been a bit brave with these kind of things. I am learning alot from trying to help her. Things that are helping me too. I told her that when she looks at a situation she should write it all down so she can really LOOK at it. For example, she wants to become a free lancer and draw comics but she's afraid her family wont support her and she's afraid she will fail. I don't understand her loyalty to her family since she doesn't like them but I digress on this. . So! She told me she was afraid she would fail at becoming a freelancer and she wasn't really going to try but she really wanted to do it. ~_~ So I told her to pretend it wasn't her going to school and she was watching some one else do it. Because no matter what any one says humans are all very judgemental entities. We have a much easier time controlling other peoples lives than our own. (Oh come to think of it, we went to an art exibit! There were very average looking people there looking around and some woman was asking every one their opinions about what they were looking at. I laughed, because..at art exibits every one suddenly becomes a professional. It's the same with running other peoples lives, you always think you're correct in what you tell them!)

NYAH~

I'm going home on March 1st because my friend has to move to Texas, and her dad has to go over seas. I finally have some thing to look forward to in the future so I'm going to push myself to do my best! Some times when I try to do the best..I just get lazy. But since I have a goal in mind I feel more motivated to do well. For once in life, I feel that what I want to do is really what I should do in life. Many times I have a hard time imagining what my future will be like but now I'm getting glimpses of it.~!

My friend keeps listening to JJ Lin, and I am a fan of this song.~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWlDoGd_Drk It's really cute. ;_;~

Hello.

2009-12-28T23:24:00.000-08:00

Hello blog world. I would like to tell you about my day, because that is what blogs are for.

Today I was in a truck and it fell in a ditch.

Goodbye.

Farewell Tora.

2009-12-06T19:26:00.001-08:00

I think..

:( I'm a bit sad over this one. I think he's suffering some where..

In my typical fashion..

2009-11-29T17:21:00.000-08:00

I blog only to convey sadness.

Today, Loki died.

It seems I'm having bad luck.

心なんて　要らない

2009-11-15T17:09:00.000-08:00

I have decided that it's useless to like people a lot, no matter what. If I feel like some one is a really good friend to me it makes me happy, but then I figure out they don't think I'm their friend so it's disappointing. The same is with 'love'. I like people too much and they don't ever like me back. I've asked myself "What's so important about love?" And I just don't know. Maybe people feel like they are complete when they're in love and have some one special to them..but I guess I should complete myself with other things. Love is not for me. Friends are not for me either I guess.

My friend is obsessed with a guy lately so she has been staying with me a lot. I guess I wouldn't mind if she stayed at my house to be my friend, but I think she just wants to stay here because it's closer to her boy friends house. It makes me sad. My friend Nikki moved in with her boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. I'm jealous of that.~

A King Has Died

2009-11-05T14:36:00.000-08:00

Today, November 5th 2009, my precious Aniki has died.

I will miss her forever.

"Hello!"

2009-09-24T14:41:00.001-07:00

I'm done saying hello to people.
I always talk to people first. It must make me seem annoying.
Since I do it every time.
FROM NOW ONNN. I'm not going to say "hello!" any more.

Alone

2009-09-21T22:17:00.000-07:00

alone alone alone

I am all alone. 〜 ♪

Quick to anger.

2009-09-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

I'm quick to bad emotions. Little things make me mad. After I'm mad, every thing seems terrible. I want to try to control my anger.. Also, I hate pictures.

It's my dream, obore sasetai~

Pictures

2009-09-06T00:26:00.001-07:00

Today a lot of thoughts are running through my head.

Pictures.

I saw a picture of my friend on facebook~ They were nice pictures and he was smiling and happy. Usually he looks bored so I was glad to see him smile. Then I started to think that I wish I could make people happy.. BUT Mostly , I wish I could take pictures with people and look nice.~ Some times when I see a picture of two people I feel gross! Some people don't look nice together.. it's almost like a puzzle piece. They don't fit. Then when I see people who fit together it makes me mad since I don't think I fit with any one! Ah haha. I usually like to take pictures when I'm with my friends so I can remember the good times we had~ Though it's a little difficult to look at pictures of people you're no longer friends with. I don't like remembering people who aren't your friends any more. Ehh. Then I think about why we're not friends..and how I felt attached to them..~~

Friends.

It has occurred to me that the word 'friend' is different for every one. To me a friend is some one you care about, and that you see, and have fun with. Some times I think a person is my good friend and then I'm shocked to learn that they don't think I'm their friend at all. My friends that I have around here, that I went to school with.. They always leave me for boys! It's terrible. I don't know why people surrender themselves to lust and forget about the people who hold them while they cry.~ Recently some one told me that they thought I was their best friend, but I never talk to her? So it's weird. I think hanging out with people and enjoying their company is important for me. Usually I forget about people if they don't talk to me. I have a few friends that are far away but I have them buried so deep into my heart that I can never forget them even if I don't talk to them. It also surprises me how I click with people. My ex friend Eric and I clicked really fast and had a good friend ship, but it didn't last very long. I thought he was my good friend but he didn't think the same. My friend Tracia and I clicked pretty fast too! I remember I used to talk to her when I was younger and I really care about her but we lost contact through out the years. I heard from her last week though so it made me happy.~ Antonio is my friend..but he's my worst enemy too. I guess they say that there's a thin line between 'love' and 'hate' and I think it's true. It must be since it's easier to be hurt by some one you love, which makes it simple for them to cross the line into hate. Then you meet some people that it seems like its destiny to be friends with them. Like Ryota. I saw his site when I was looking around msn, and I sent him a message.. then like a YEAR later he messaged me back. Then it turned out that he was visiting a place close to where I live so I got to meet him. I don't know much about him but for some reason I really care about him too.. so that also makes me think we were supposed to meet and become friends.

Happiness.

What does it take for a person to be truly happy? I think obtaining pure happiness is impossible for people like me. For a moment I will feel happy and the next I'm not. I always get different ideas in my head about the future and what I think the outcome will be makes me happy. When some thing happens that changes my plans it makes me sad. But I'm very whimsical I don't know what I want! I think in order for me to feel accomplished I have to write out goals for myself. I don't know what kind of job I want to have in the future, but I have an idea of what kind of person I want to be. Perhaps if I really think about it I should work towards becoming that person..~ Or some thing. I really don't know.

Other Stuff.

I quit my job! It made me nervous as soon as I did it,but my dad just opened a store so maybe I can work there. I've been working since I was young kid and with school just ending and every thing I guess I felt a little burnt out and needed a break. When I told Antonio I quit he told me he was disappointed in me. But, you know..it doesn't matter if it disappoints him because he doesn't depend on me. Why does it disappoint him any way? He said some thing like "I never expected you to do this kind of thing.." I didn't kill any one! My brother told me I'm stupid..but he never had a job before so he can't say any thing to me either.~ I'm tired of people giving me their opinions when I dont ask for them. If I need help with some thing no one tells me any thing,but as soon as I act how I think I should I get all the critism the world has to offer! EUGH.

I have had a song stuck in my head called Snow White. I didn't really know what it was saying or any thing but the music to it was nice~ It was soothing to hear. But I looked at the lyrics now and I still don't understand it! However, one lyric I liked.

Pain is proof of living
Everyone and everything has it.
That is a tale from long ago.
No one knows.

Weirdo.

2009-09-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

I'm a little bit strange..when ever I see a lovely man it makes me want to be a boy. *_* But beautiful women make me want to be a boy too nyahaha.

--

I met a friend that I've spoken too for quite a few years online a few months ago, and this Sunday until Tuesday I slept at her house. It was fun! I think we will be good friends for a long time. She's moving soon though.. Sad face.

Unhappy.

2009-08-28T12:04:00.000-07:00

I don't understand any thing. My friends, my family, the future. I got a lot of stuff for college done and I was pretty excited. Then I got the bill~ My financial aid wont kick in in time because I had to wait too long for it. Why did I have to wait so long? My dad wouldn't give me his tax information. I asked him so many fucking times and he didn't do it. I looked myself since he wouldn't do it and I still couldn't find it! He finally got it one day before my placement test. I have 7 days to pay bunch of money that I don't have and if my dad had just given me the papers it would have been taken care of. I don't want to e ven go to college now. I didn't want to before.

My grandpa yelled at me and told me I should have gotten this stuff done months ago. I don't know how to do this kind of thing! I don't have any positive role model to help me with any thing! If I have depended on myself for my whole life how does he expect me to ask for help now?

All and all the only person to blame is myself. If I really wanted this shit to be done I would have started it months ago. That's the problem , I don't want to go to college. I think I'm a responsible person. I know that in order to make money in life I need to go to college. I wish I could be more whimsical and not have to worry about the future. I mean gosh, I'm only eighteen and I think like a forty year old. All and all..I don't want to go to college. I never have. I don't want to exist either..

Tomorrow will be another day.
Tomorrow my problems might go away.

Le Sigh

2009-08-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

I don't like my boyfriend! I want to break up with him but I don't know how to do it... I could be crappy and send him a message on myspace or some thing, but that's not nice.. But I really don't like him as a boyfriend~ He's not my type at all. I really liked him since we liked a lot of the same things but..~ Yeah, he's too much like a kid to date. He doesn't even know how to kiss. Though, if I break up I will still have to see him since he's going to the same college as me..

Speaking of college! Jee, how scary. I think I need to become more mature and learn how to deal with people. College is full of new people that I don't know at all! That's scary. I don't like working with people so I hope I don't have to in any of my classes. I'm taking a placement test on Wednesday to see what classes I have to be put in. My friend Antonio has this plan for me.. Since it makes him upset to see my family is kind of not wonderful, he wants me to move away with him..hahaha. So after this semester of college I am going to move away~

For school they give you money to spend on things you need for school, like books and computers. I think they give $4,000 maximum. I think I'll buy a car! That way I can be more independent and not have to rely on other people for things I want. Yesterday Antonio told me, "You have to remember that you are alone in the world. If you want some thing you have to work for it yourself, no one will give it to you!" Ahh he's very right.. Yesterday Antonio also took me out to teach me how to drive hahaha. It was really fun but I'm glad the parking lot I was in was almost empty. ~

I want to travel but I'm afraid of air planes. ;_;!

I think I'm crazy.

2009-08-11T22:51:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel a lot of emotions that I don't want!

If I think of some thing my mind goes on and on thinking about it untill I get sad..then I talk to a friend or some thing and feel better..but then I get jealous that the friend has other friends..Blah blah..

I don't know if I like my new boyfriend. He's trying to say he 'loves' me already and I've only known him a month. JEEZE. Then some girl is trying to 'steal my heart'. I think that's funny, girls liking me. I want to be a boy and they want me to be their man <33 YAY.

Lately I'm thinking about the future. I don't want to go to college but I know I have to. What ever could I do for the rest of my life that would make me happy? I don't know.

Summer school ended today. I feel the same about every subject as I did before going to summer school. Summer school was a waste of time really, my teacher was pretty unprofessional.. But whatever it's over! Hurray to me~

Death.

2009-08-09T23:49:00.000-07:00

Death is a strange thing. Some times when I'm feeling a little bit crazy I can accept death. It happens. But in reality I am afraid for it every day. Why?

When you die it all stops. You're gone. In a few years you'll be forgotten and no one will remember or even know if you ever existed. It's scary. For this reason I want to make my life worth some thing- I want to effect some one..

Musicians are great, they leave their mark on the world. They can never be forgotten.
R.I.P J.Y <3

Women are relentless!

2009-07-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

I mean 'relentless' in a bad way. It can be good if you think like "Oh she's not giving up her goal!" but.. "Jeeze, she's really mean and wont let it go." < I mean that.

I went to a graduation party for my friend. There was a boy at this party and my friend told me I should talk to him since he thought I was cute- whatever. So after every one bothered me about it I talked to him. He's kind of fat but it turns out we like the same kind of things so I am/was a little interested. My friends got mad at me! They told me to talk to this person then they got mad at me for liking him. EHH.

One girl lied to him about me. She said "Oh, she's nice but she still loves her ex boyfriend. You shouldn't bother with her."

Then my other friend is getting upset since she likes him too.. If she liked him so much why did she tell me to talk to him? I don't like being cute. I think that must be why people like me so much. All and all, I'm pissed at them. Also they like to talk about people when the person isn't around..so I know they're saying bad things about meee. Gah, I'm really pissed. I don't even like this boy! But they made such a big deal about it I thought I should flirt with him today any way. :)

Hnn. For some reasons the only e-mails I get any more are from some site called PORNTEAM.COM.. They have some pretty hillarious titles on there hahaha. I don't even know how they got my address.

I think I will use this after all!

2009-07-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

After considering nothing, I thought I might want to actually write a blog. I wont write any thing wondrous though. Hm, but if you think about it "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" so maybe wonderful things are also. That doesn't make much sense, but that's alright!

I have a blog already but I think I'm really whiny in it.

Currently in my life I am attending summer school. I failed LAW so I get to go to a two hour class at 7:30 AM every day to repent for my sins. It's not very nice since I have to wake up early. During regular school I woke up AT 7:30. Tomorrow is going to be the fourth day of it. My teacher is a young guy, he's kind of funny. He's very distracting though. He gives us a bunch of work to do but then he has conversations with other students while we're supposed to be working. It's hard to concentrate! Especially since LAW is so boring. We have to read like a chapter out of the book every day and it's sooo uninteresting. It might be sad but I really don't care about American History. America is uninteresting to me too. I enjoy people making up conspiracies about politicians but I don't care about the government.

In this class I hope to become better educated on issues. I want some thing to spark my interests. Apparently we are going to do debates about 'hot issues' which I think should be fun. Today we had to write how much we agreed with these 'hot issues'. What were these amazing hot issues?!

Abortion
Gun Control
Gay Marriage
Taxing the RICH

Boring things like that. I forgot the other ones, but they were about foreigners getting automatic citizenship for sneaking in, and uhm.. setting race/gender quotas for jobs and schools.

I think abortion is okay. Guns should be controlled. Gay marriage I am iffy about. I mean, I am iffy about marriage in general. I see it only as a ploy to get people covered in insurance and stuff haha. I think marrying some one for 'love' is stupid. I would only get married if it was of merit to me in any way. Like, status..visas, that kind of thing. Deceptive marriages. Those are cool. Taxing the rich would be stupid.. Setting gender/race quotas is also stupid. People should be judged on their skill and not pety things like color and plumbing. ;D I don't think foreigners should get automatic citizenship for sneaking in either.

This class ends on August 10th! Let's see if my views change.

There wont be many wondrous words I reckon.

2009-07-08T21:12:00.001-07:00

I am just using this so I can 'follow' my friends. : D Isn't that nice?~