I guess it has been quite some time since I have written anything here. Life has been pretty blank. I wanted to write something on my birthday, but I felt so blank I couldn't do it. Usually I like to reflect on the past year (on my birthday) and make some goals to achieve by the next one.
Anyway.. The last time I wrote in here was May so I guess it's almost a year.
Last time I wrote I was happy. I met Ryota again, and I was living with my friend and I had a pretty good job. After he left things kind of went south. Apparently the job I was working at had ended my contract two weeks prior to them actually firing me. I got a new job after so I guess it wasn't that bad.. But in the mean time my friend broke up with her fiance and we had to leave our apartment. My grandparents let me live with them for awhile, but my grandpa always was mad at me for my room being messy and eventually I had to move in with my other grandma. She lived with my aunt and my aunts two kids. My aunt is a lazy lazy person, and my poor grandma is like 60 something and taking care of little kids. My aunt didn't do anything around the house. I stayed there for a few months and I cooked dinner every night, did the dishes, washed her laundry, cleaned the house etcetc.. and I was working 2 jobs so I could get my own place. I didnt mind taking care of things because I didn't want my grandma to since she's so old. Then suddenly my aunt wanted to quit her job (that she worked 6 hours a week at) and school and she wanted me to pay her rent. I would have paid it, but I slept on her couch and did all the house work so I didnt feel like I had to and I left her house. Now I'm living with my dad and his insane girlfriend. Things there are pretty inconvenient. :l
But! What I mostly wanted to write about was the relationships I've been in. Let's start with the first one.
WELL I guess I dated Antonio for awhile, like 3 years but we broke up 'cause he liked some other girl..(who he thought was younger than me...pedo alert?) and after him I dated some kid for like a month, and that was a year or so after Antonio and I broke up. THEN The next? summer I met this old fella. Cesaaaar.
THE CESAR ERA
I met him at the end of May or the beginning of June. At this point in time I had plans to move to China in September. Cesar was leaving New York in September, so having a little affair with him seemed like it might be fun. The three months he was there, were the most dramatic three months of my LIFE. He was a polo player and there with his team for the summer. My (eX)friend Nikki met him through this old bitch we knew named Amy. Amy is like thirty something, thinks she's hot shit and is really chunky and offensive to the eyes. BUT she acts like everyone loves her and shes the best thing since sliced bread. I liked her at first, but then the second day we knew her she told us some dramatic story about how she got impregnated when she was 18 (by one of the polo guys) and had to get an abortion. A cool thing to know when you JUST meet someone right? Anyway after that I was kind of turned off by her. She also said things like, "Oh I hang out with young girls to make myself feel young!" And whenever we went to her house she'd sing karaoke badly and try to make me dance and sing and I am not into that shit. OH and perhaps the most important thing about Amy is that she loves horses. Some people can be healthy about it, but shes like the type that wanted to grow up and be a pony when she was 8 and decorated her room with horse paraphernalia. Amy also had casual sex with a lot of people and was a fan of taking 'The Plan B" pill. SOSOSO basically I hate(d) her...and she introduced Nikki to the polo guys (since apparently being raped by them isn't a deterrent to hanging out with them) . She introduced Nikki to them because they like younger girls, and Nikki was not feeling it so one day when Cesar was feeling up on her she called me and was like , "Help me this old guy is all over me, I want him off!" so I talked to him on the phone and was like, "Hay big boy ;) you gunn teach me how to ride a pony?" I hated horses, but Nikki told me he was wealthy so I feigned interest. Apparently my feigned interest worked.
A couple days later Nikki and I went over to THE POLO BARN under the pretense of 'working' for Cesar. He showed us around the barn and told us in his broken english how to do certain things, but the whole time was like hanging all over me. Then at one point he dragged me into the tack room and made me sit on his lap..and was like ";) So you wanna kiss me?" I am usually a dignified person but I was thinking.. "Ah, a rich old man....leaving in September..why the hell not?" But I wanted to be hard to get so I was like "OH NO NO NO HEHEHEe.." Vomit right?
Then later that night Cesar and the other guys took us out to dinner at some nice shindig of a place. I had to read the menu for him, since he didnt know English well enough, and ordered for him. Then while Amy was hanging all over this fellow named Dennis, and Nikki was fawning over this creeper Ovido, Cesar and I played some footsie under the table and talked 'learning English.' At the end of this glorious meal Cesar whipped out the old wallet and paid for the bill without a second thought. It was like 300$ or so.. At that moment, I finally decided.. "This fella is going to be mine."
I don't remember if it was that night, or the next one, but everyone got drunk over at Cesars house. Amy 'danced' with Dennis to some awful Spanish music and Nikki got conned into making out with Ovidio. So I played some kissy kissy with ole Cesar and lead him away. Come to think of it, this must have been a few days after dinner because Nikki and I brought our impressive arsenal of liqour to his house, and I remember driving home drunk. ANYWAY, I dragged him off to his room and we got a little handsy. Then, Nikki barged in and wanted to go home so we left.. We were giggling and dying the whole way home since we were pretty drunk and she was driving like an old woman..but anyway, all and all it was a pretty enjoyable night. Since that night Cesar started calling me like everyday, and tried to get me to go out places with him and I would just flirt with him on the phone.
One Wednesday (We usually went to KARAOKE for funsies) I convinced Cesar to meet us at the bar. Amy was like freaking out because apparently Cesar never made an appearance any where, so 'he must have really liked me'. I would like to add that since I met him he referred to me as 'his baby' and always praised Nikki for 'bringing his baby to him'. SOSOS ANyway, I got him to come to karaoke and it was a big deal. But I thought it was pretty boring, and the bar was really small.. so I told Nikki discretely, "I'm going to try and seal the deal with this guy. Can you pick me up from his house after you're done here?" and she was like "OMGGG DO ITT OK!!" So Cesar was drinking some Merlot and sitting at the table with me and I said, "Hey you live around here don't you? ;)" And he was like "Yeah I leave near here, how come?" And I just looked away 'bashfully' and said "Oh just curious.." and hes like "..OHH ok.. You wanna see my house? ;D" and I was like "Yeah I'd love tooooo!" Because last time we were pretty drunk remember?
SO I left the bar, with Cesar, and we went to his house. The drive there I texted Nikki and we were geeking out over it, whilst he had his hand up my skirt with one hand and drove with the other. When we got to his house it didn't take long to get down to the nitty gritty, and to this day I have to say it was probably the best sex I've ever had. AS PLANNED, Nikki picked me up but for some reason her boyfriend had showed up at the bar with his friend Jaime, so she had to distract them whilst I hurried around getting my undies in line. But, I had accomplished my goal of 'sealing the deal' and Cesar was even more smitten with me than he was before. Nikki and I gossiped like little girls over the naughties we were doing and all was fun and good..until ~
The next day..Amy texted me , "OOo what did you do last night you naughty girl? ;) Saw you leave the bar with Salad Boy (cesar, obv) " Amy had never texted me before in my life. So I figured she just wanted to get the words out of my mouth so she could gossip to everyone with an ear..So I pretended we didn't do anything except oral. But she was pretty impressed with that..so she started joking about how Nikki couldn't 'keep up with the big dogs' meaning Amy and I. So after this comment Nikki started getting a little bit serious. Please keep in mind she was engaged to her previously mentioned 'boyfriend' and we all lived together hunky dory. So, while her fiance/bf was working nights at this shit restaurant we were over at the polo barn and she was making out with creepy Ovidio. Then, she decided she didn't like Ovidio any more and started going after Dennis every time Amy had her back turned. Then one night she got with this Argentifag named Rodrigo, but was pretty shit faced. She mistakenly told Amy about this drunken endeavor. (This is a seed, keep it in mind.)
ONE DAY, Nikki and I were at Amys house and Nikki was riding this horse called Skip. (Nikki is one of those 8 year old horse girls too.) Cesar and Dennis came by because we were there and Cesar noticed that the horse needed new shoes. So he told Amy that he would do it for free, and a couple of days later we met up there to watch the process. Nikki and I got there before them and Amy had a couple of her friends over. I am generally uncomfortable around people so I stuck to helping Nikki set the horse up to shoeing. Then Amy comes over with this fat girl entourage of hers and says in a pretty haughty tone,
"Oh, Cesar told me he's going to dump you." IN FRONT OF THESE BITCHES I DONT KNOW? WTF? So I get all defensive and say,
"Oh it's a good thing I'm not dating him then." and shes like "IM SORRY THATS JUST WHaT HE TOLD ME, HE TOlD ME HES GUNNA BREAK UP WITH HIS BABYY." and I was like "Ok I just said I dont fuck care shut up." Vassever. Then soon Cesar shows up with his Mexi-crew and is hugging me and stuff and I say,
"I heard you were breaking up with me!" and he's all
"No no you're my baby I love youuu Who said that?" and Nikki is like
"Yeah Amy told us." and he turns to Amy and is like
"ARE YOU A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OR SOMETHING?!"
And shes like
"OH YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE WEHH WEHH WEHHH'
And hes all
"I WAS JUST KiDDING YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL THE WORLD WTFF"
Any way hes all huggy and like, "I dont leave my baby I dont leave my baby.."
Amy just shrugs it off and Cesar gets to shoeing the horse. The whole time he's doing it Amy is bitching at him for whatever. The guy is like 43 and has been doing it for over 20 years so I figure he knew what he was doing..and he was getting annoyed. Then when he was done the horse walked funny for a second (Getting used to the shoes I assume) and Amy is like
"OH LOOK YOU MADE HIM WORSE HE CANT EVEN WALK RWARWR"
So Cesar gets pissed and says, "let's go" and he gets in the truck with his Mexi-crew and Amy walks over and stands on the door step thing and is being all lovey dovey with Dennis through the window, and Cesar is driving away while she's hanging on there cause hes completely pissed she didnt even say thank you. Then that night we go to Cesars house. Again, Nikki and I are the first ones to get there and Dennis is making some awesome chow for everyone. SOOO we eat it all and get comfy and watchsome TV. Then like an hour later Amy shows up, puts her phone on the counter, and is like
"You guys knew I was hungry. You couldn't wait?"
Cesar: You just came from Grant Ave (a place that has fast food every two steps) you couldn't get something from there?
Amy: WHAT? You want me to go there ALONE?
Cesar: Yeah why not? You could have gone through the drive thru or something.
Amy: IN THE DARK?
Cesar: What are you worried about? It's not like someone would want to rape you. :l (I die at this point.)
Dennis: I have food at my house..
Amy: Well Watch my phone guys we're going across the street. (Dennis house is across the street.)
They leave..
Cesar goes on a rant how Amy is a fucking bitch acting like she owns the barn and he hates her and shes a this and a that and blah blah blah. Nikki and I die laughing and go through her cell phone laughing at all the sexy texts she sends people, etc etc
So remember this night.
One day in this three month period Cesar tells Amy she's a bitch and he doesn't want her around his horses or his team. She gets pissed off, and blames it on ME. She says "Cesar doesnt mean it hes just used to CERTAIN WOMEN bossing him around." The fuck? Right?
Then somehow Nikki's fiance finds out about her little ring around the Rodrigo. That causes the drama, they break up, we move out. We then find out Amy told fiance boy everything. We wonder how Amy has fiance boys number. Drama drama drama. So instead of Amy coming with us Nikki starts dragging her 16-17 year old sister with her, Noelle. (At this point I am talking to Cesar on the phone like every other hour that Im not with him and spending the night at his house every night) A couple of new guys showed up, Mancho and Domingo. Noelle gets the hots for Domingo who is like older than Cesar and tries to get me to conspire with her so she can fuck the lights out of Domingo. I kind of , admittedly, went along with he and distracted Nikki once or twice. One time Noelle snuck over to his house (Dennis's house..Dennis had left at this point. Apparently he had a girlfriend in Boston and he went to live/work with her. Amy was not pleased.) and was like trying to get Domingo to fuck her and he was so terrified he pretended o be on the phone and made her leave. He then warned all the guys not to mess with her, because she is jailbait and it's illegal. One of those days Nikki started getting jealous of how well Cesar and I got along and wouldn't bring me over at all and just bring Noelle. Then after they would leave Cesar would call me and be like "NIKKi IS TRYiNG TO GET ME TO DATE HER MOM." "NIKKI SAID YOU TOLD HER TO HAvE SEX WITH ME." and Nikki is showing up at my house like, "Oooh Cesar wants my mom." or "Ohh Cesar tried to have sex with me omggg." At the same time shes telling Cesar I'm cheating on him and stuff. (Which he knows is bullshit because Im at his house every night and working during the day. But she didnt know that.)
Cesar during the summer, was paying Nikki to do a half assed job cleaning up after the horses and polo matches so she could pay for her car. Then he decides finally that Nikki is also a bitch and doesnt want to give her anymore money. So Nikki gets this great idea that she's going to pimp her little sister off to Mancho so she can pay for her car. Noelle was all gung ho for it to until the last minute which pissed Nikki off. ALSO.. Noelle got with Ovidio..during one of the times Nikki didnt bring me along. Then one of those lovely Summer days, Mancho tells Nikki he will give her a horse if she has sex with him. She totally analed with him for a horse and he didnt give her one. Then Nikki stopped coming around and I was always with Cesar, and he felt bad for her and gave her a horse, and it wasn't good enough, and bla bla bla, and Amy and Nikki became biffles..
Then September comes. Cesar told me I shouldn't move to China, but I had already decided not to because my friend was acting kind of sketchy. Also, my grandma was really ill and my mom didn't want me to leave the country while she was sick...so it seemed like I shouldn't go. Cesar then drops this bomb that he's married (but getting a 'divorce') and I can't come with him when he leaves but maybe one week I can visit him...bla bla bla life is fucked.
Why I am writing about Cesar so much is, I really liked him. He always wanted to see me, even if I didn't want to have sex with him, and we always went out places.. He drove quite a ways to pick me up and bring me home.. He visited me at work.. he made me breakfast we went on a mini vacation..*sigh* He was truly lovely. I adored him, but he left.
--
THE LOPEZ ERA
I kind of jumped the gun with this one. Cesar wasn't even gone two weeks, and I had already slept with this Lopez fella. I met him through a friend in May/June but unfortunately had already committed to Cesar when I realized I might like him. We hung out once, then I introduced him to Nikki once. He was very awkward but totally adorable about it, and generally a nice and funny fella. We talked through out the summer. Then when Cesar left Nikki started like encouraging me to 'date' Lopez and to 'hook up' with him and stuff.. but I was kiiiind of in lovu lovu with Cesar and I didn't want to. Cesar didn't talk to me at all after he left so I figured I might as well. SO A few times I hung out exclusively with Lopez and once Nikki invited herself and he bailed telling me he didn't really like Nikki at all. I can't blame him, she kind of acts like a bull dike. (OH he also tagged along with us on Karaoke wednesdaysss sometimes)
Nikki started dating this Mexican guy named 'Julito'. The first time I slept with Lopez was a night I was at the laundromat with Nikki and Julio. Nikki had made him cry for asking him something personal about his son..and so I kind of walked out and called Lopez. The conversation went like this :
Me: Heey Lopey! What's going on?
Him: Oh just drinking.
Me: That's a shame..
Him: How come?
Me: Well it's illegal to drink and drive.
Him: Why would I drive any where?
Me: Welll I was hoping we could fuck the night away.
A pause.
Him: W-wait..what?! Are you serious?
Me: Yeah I totally wanna bone!
nikki had come out and was giggling with me through the pause
Him: Uhh..where are you.
I told him
Him: I can be there in like 20 minutes?
And he was! The funny thing about it is he was 45 minutes away. He came in the laundromat all sly, and casual and Nikki was like "Oh are you guys going to have sex?" and hes likE "NO!!..Maybe..Well, see you!"
SO WE LEFT.. And we banged.
Lopez was a pretty hilarious lay. He was very vocal about being pleased..and he paused at one point to say, "Oh I love this song!" and sing a few lyrics before continuing. It was just..hilarious. After that night we decided to become 'Skanky Buddies' and so met up a few times to commit acts that only Skanky Buddies can conduct.
One night we met Nikki at karaoke. She made him get me, we show up and she has three high tops filled with men she invited and in the center is her and Amy. She didn't even save us a spot. So we sat at a lower table near them. We ordered food and drink, and got both of them before she came over to us. She told Lopez he looked like a fag, I punched her, she laughed and walked off. WE ATE. She didn't talk to us.. So Lopey was like "I have this party we can go to instead.." and I agreed. So I went over to the hightopss and was like "Oh we're leaving." and she says "OH So you guys can fuck?" and I was like ":l" and she goeS "You know Lopez Im really sick of you bailing all the time." and hes like "Well I have a life sooo whatever. Bye."
WE WENT TO NO PARTY, AND FUCKED INSTEAD. I get a text from her the next day..
"I really hate you leave early with the guy I like so you can fuck."
Since when has she liked him? She texts me ferociously for 20 minutes about how I'm just a skinny skank who needs to find a dick to ride, etc etc. I was pretty offended , considering nikki and I had been friends since like sophmore year and she had more cock than I ever have. If she liked him so much she should have dated him while I was with Cesar. Or she should have been with him instead of Ovido, Matt, Matt, Mancho, Jay, Justin, Dennis, Rodrigo, and Julio. She was sexual with all of these people, but I was still the slut. She then told me that men only like me because I am skinnier than her and I put out. She is fat, farts all the time, punches people, shoves her rolls around when shes drunk, and has absolutely no class. But people only like me because I'm skinny. Okay.
I decided I didnt wanna be friends with her anymore. It seems small, but she was just way too crazy. I didn't write in all the strange things she did but I was just done with her and totally offended by her words. She apologized, I didnt accept, so she reiterated all her previous opinions. She moves in with AMY.
Lopez asks me out. We date for a month or so I think everything is going fine, then!
THE HAYTHAM ERA
A friend of mine that I've had from the internet for like 10 years moved to Canada. He had lived in Egypt previously so I went to meet him when he had gotten a little more settled in. I didn't want to have sex with him , because I dating Lopez but I disappointed myself and gave in anyway.
It was kind of crazy. It felt like I was in a dream when I was visiting him. I'll tell ya why:
I had spoken with him online since I was eleven years old. He always was flirty with me and I had like some amazing crush on him. It was like how little girls used to love The Backstreet Boys. I idolized this boy and whenever I felt down or something I would think, "Well I will meet Haytham one day and we'll fall in love and everything will be ok." He was kind of my scapegoat from reality at times. And everytime we spoke he talked about how much he liked me and wanted to meet me and stuff. SO the eight years later I met him when I had the chance. I still dont remember the first time much because like I said, I really felt like it was a dream.
I got back to NY on Lopeys and my 'one monthh' sentimental right? I reminded him of it. I figured we could hang out or something. NOTHING MUSHY. Just movie it up. SOMETHING, anything. But he left to Boston with his boy toys. I didnt like it, and it made me feel sad. I wondered why I left my dream guy in CAnada to go back to empty New York. No one even picked me up from the terminal..so I felt all forgotten and shit and I hated life. Eventually Lopez and I broke up because "I was too annoying and unopinionated." But really I only talked to him when he texted me first, and he worked ALLL day long so I wasnt pushy about things I wanted to do. BUT ..that makes me whatever SO WHATEERFAJSFD. He then says, "We should have never dated. Why did we ruin such a beautiful thing?" MEANING..WHY DIDNT WE JUST HAVE SEX. Also he said "Well we can still be friends and do stuff cause I dont like burning bridges.." MEANING, HE STILL WANTED TO HAVE SEX.
I didn't care, because HAYTHAM was just a few hours away and I already cheated on Lopez with him technically anyway.
I met Haytham two more times. Around Christmas, and for a week or so before my birthday. The first day of the first time I met him..he met me at the bus stop, we went to his house, and he was like "Ooo.. I have to run out sorry." and he was gone for like SIX hours. : l
Then the next time I went ..I dont remember very well either. It was just for a few days.
But! The most recent time he had started working at 3pm-12pm and 2pm-11pm every other day. He would wake up at ONE, got to the gym for an hour then go to work directly after. Then he would come home, we'd cook and argue about something, he'd try to fuck, and we'd go to sleep and start the whole cycle over again.
So basically I didn't see him much at all. I felt like I was wasting my emotions, time, and money, on a jerk. (and really I was.) He could have woken up earlier, or not gone to the gym everyday, so we could hang out more. Then during these trips he showed me all these gorgeous ex girlfriends of his, told me about how he had sex with a prostitute, about how he did coke, about how he had four girlfriends at once one time, about how he cheated on his previous girlfriends..
Why was I dating this guy? Why did I still idolize him?
I don't know.
I just got off the phone with him awhile ago (We decided to date after Lopez and I broke up, and he's been such a cock hole lately that I broke up with him a couple weeks ago.) He told me that he was making out with some girl before we broke up. But he was drunk. So that means its ok right? ;l
Then before we broke up he was saying we should just date when I'm there. So what in the mean time?
I started to miss him lately but I don't know why and Im glad I got this reminder. I care about him since I've known him so long ,but I wish he wasnt so icky. He like has some God complex, meaning he thinks hes God. When I was dating him he always said how ccertain girls were hot and stuf.f. but 'hes just kidding'.
I DONNO I DONNO.
It made me cry almost, tonight. Eventually he'll have to leave Canada and go back to Egypt, then I'll probably not see him again. The thought makes me sad but I can't stand him.
Then I thought about Cesar. I really really adored him but he had to go and be married and disgusting in his own right.
Then I thought about how shitty Lopez was, and how I have no friends because I slept with him.
And I wonder, "Why is my life like this? How come things went so bad? Why do I feel so unfulfilled?" and I realize...
I was supposed to fucking be in China! I planned my life out with someone who was supposed to be my friend. He made me feel insecure about going with him , and uneasy...so I didn't go. But I really wish I had! then I wouldn't have been with Lopez and lost a friendship. Then I wouldn't have met Haytham and had all my dreams of him crushed. But I didn't go. And I found out I was basically being black mailed to go in the first place. It makes me feel awful. Who can I trust? Who can be my friend? If not someone I planned a future with? Or someone I've known for nearly 10 years? Who who who?
So that's where my life is now. I am stuck and I am lost and I am lonely.
Strangely enough, I mostly don't care. I just wish I had some motivation, or some goal but I am just blank.
My past year:
Antonio
Ryota
Cesar
Nikkiand...
My Suuuumi.pictures are good for memories, but what if i don't want 'em?
