Succumb.

Lately I have been thinking about the phrase, 'He's good people.'

Grammatically this sentence isn't correct, but it basically means that the person comes from a good family. My dad is a nice guy, but he doesn't do good things. As soon as I turned 18 my dad had me get some of our bills put in my name. He promised that he would keep them paid up to date so that my credit wouldn't get messed up, but naturally that didn't happen. So I'm 20 and I have debt. I'm trying to get into college and financial aid doesn't give me enough to cover the cost of the semester so I have to take out loans (a fixed amount that they allow me). The loans don't even cover the cost of semester so I have to sign my soul over for 15,000$ and make a 2,000$ difference out of my pocket. This leads to a lot of "How am I supposed to..." questions. I'm mostly concerned about paying these loans off. Not a lot of people find luck in getting good paying jobs after college. I'm going to be owing interest on this shit. I feel like I'm chained to a tower of cow shit, and if I move too far in one direction I'll get dumped on. >;\

Today I found out from someone that I work with that the manager of the store plans on firing everyone after the store is built. If that's the case I'm kind of screwed on other levels. If I have no job I can't pay for the stupid loan and I can't do anything I want to. I wish college wasn't necessary to make good money. ..

Anyway I totally got derailed from my original thought. "He's good people."

With my dad who is a drug dealer and me who can't go to college, can I be 'good people' ?
I don't have many friends these days. I only hang out with one person. I always think about making friends with other people but the type of friend I want is not someone who drinks and does drugs. I am starting to doubt that I can make a quality friend if I myself am not 'good people', a quality person.

These thoughts are disconcerting. I want to be motivated so that I can succeed, but most of the time I just want to succumb.

Future~ ☆

Some people think that tomorrow THE RAPTURE is going to happen.

I think it's stupid, since in the Bible it says 'No one knows the day or hour.." (When God/Jesus will come back and take all their lovely believers to Heaven.) Non-believers get left behind, so people shouldn't worry too much. ANYWAY, since today is so beautiful I was thinking "What if this really is my last day on Earth?" Could I be happy with that? I want to say probably but the answer is no.
Looking at the end made me think of the future.

SO.. Here is some rambling.

I recently got a job at a store. The store was just built like a couple of weeks ago, so our job is to build the inside. If we do well and outshine the other people doing the same thing we will get hired on full time. The work is really brutal. I'm like lifting shit that weighs more than me. I started on Tuesday and we're working until next Thursday with no day off. I wouldn't mind if the job wasn't so laborious. Since we're all temps I don't want to take a day off to rest my aching muscles so I feel like hell. But! I was thinking about the money that I will be making and it helped the wheels in my head start a-turning..

Last year my friend Ryota came to visit me in May. It was a lovely time, and even though we argue over stupid stuff sometimes I wanna go visit him. I also enrolled in college for the fall semester. So, I intend to go to school and work as much as I can saving up all the moolah I can rake in. Then, at the end of the semester if I have enough $$ (which I probably should?) I wanna go see Ryota. MAYBE I'll sleep with some handsome fellas and produce a cute babby for when I come back.

That is the plan.