The world can't end soon enough.

It sucks when people who you cling onto, who you think are your good good friends...are nothing. They don't think the same. They don't care. It's awful. It really is. But this is how it always is for me anyway.

I am really becoming a failure lately. 

I just want to disappear. I can't stand anything. 

I just don't know.

Today would have been a very good day for a hug.

simple

i hope you die

i hope you die

i hope you die

every day that goes by,

i'm hoping that you've died.

Nervous.

I am always nervous lately.
The future is so shaky.


I have two friends in town now. One is good,yet sensitive and the other one is sort of fair weather.

At least I don't have to deal with lying backstabbers anymore.


My boss wanted to have sex with me. So I don't have a job now. Makes sense right?
Maybe I should report it somewhere.

I was really very capable at the job, in fact more capable than half of the workers... and the only reason I can't work there now is based on something that isn't work related at all. It seems like a just cause for reporting something, but I really have no idea how to go about that kind of thing. Perhaps I should look into it.


I am very nervous about this semester, but I am kind of excited about it too. I might make some new friends or meet some cutite patooties but I am not really interested in that. I just want to do the best I can do.

Over over

Can you ever forget when someone lies to you?
Is it possible to regain trust after feeling betrayed?
Why am I sensitive to stupid things?



I got a puppy awhile ago. Today I thought to myself, "She is truly what I needed to get over this rough stuff in life."  I love my dog a lot. She got hurt today. She's fine, but it was the most awful "scream" I have ever heard. I hope she never gets hurt again. She ran right for me but my mom swooped her up. She used to sleep in my room all the time but lately she likes only being downstairs. I wonder if maybe my dog doesn't really care for me. It's stupid and strange...but when you're always considering how loyal dogs are...and then yours doesn't even like you...it's really depressing !

I want to run away or die.

But it's scary to think about not existing anymore.
What's the point of any of this?


I wish my pup was my friend.
I wish I didn't feel so lousy all the time.

Sayo~nara~

I am saying goodbye to my dear friends the rats soon.
I have to be sad as much as I can before I actually do it.
I haven't been taking very good care of them lately, so it is about time I found them some good homes.

I remembered a humane animal shelter from my childhood and as it turns out they are still open.
Since they're humane I don't have to worry about them going to someone for snake food.
That makes me feel better.

Mostly I will miss Teruki and Dewey. Mostly Teruki.
All of the other rats could never make up their minds on if they wanted to be my friend or not.
Teruki was always the same.

I will miss them.
I hope someone new takes very good care of them.


I was listening to some person speak Japanese on a cd. He said "Sayonara~"...but he said it so beautifully, it was almost like a song. So I have to remember, when I feel like crying, that sometimes "sayonara" can be a beautiful thing.

Yosete wa kaesu nami

Kanarazu totsureru asa to yami

Subete wa meguri

Subete wa satte yuku

Anata no yasashisa de

Hohoka na kumori ni mitasarete mo

Shiawase na toki no

Nakatte furuete iru

Sore demo itsuka wa kitto

Yami ni hikari ga umare

Kanashimi no naka ni kitto

Hohoemi ga umareru hazu

Yasashisa to samishisa

Itsudemo tsui ni naratta kimochi

Subete wa meguri

Subete wa nagareteiku

Zutto issho ni iru to

Anata ga tsuyoku sasayaitemo

Watashi no kokoro wa

Shimetsuke naretteiru

Sore demo itsuka wa kitto

Yami ni hikari ga umare

Kanashimi no naka ni kitto

Hohoemi ga umareru hazu

Sore demo doko ka de kitto

Yami ni kokoro ga umare

Namida no naka ni kanarazu

Hontou ga umareru hazu

Anata wa kitto kaette kuru kara

Anata wa kitto kaette kuru kara

crawling through the dark.

The world is ugly.
There is no beauty in anything, except that one day it will end.
One day every filthy human will be gone.
One day I will be gone too.
When I'm gone will anything matter?
Will it matter that I ever hurt?
That I ever breathed at all?
It is all dark.
Suffering is useless, and harboring feelings of despair is useless too.
It is easy to hurt and difficult to be strong.

I don't know what to do.
Dreams and hopes are all damned.
It is cruel for humans to be given brains capable of wants.
Why aren't we like the other animals who have no desires?

I must keep moving forward.
I will forget everything.

Whoops.

Saruat bought me a Snoopy plushie when he asked me out. I hate Snoopy, but for the past few days I have been clinging to it for dear life.

I talked to Antonio today. I told him what happened and he said,
"No they weren't afraid to tell you. If they were afraid of you they wouldn't have done it at all. They respect you. That's why they didn't."

Antonio is engaged now. He told me he's moving away with his fiance soon because she's done with school. I know I don't see him very often but it makes me sad. I will miss him. He made me cry, because he said I only remember bad things. He said, "You're going to hate me, but I just don't want to see you kill yourself like this." Then he gave me a hug. It was kind of cold but it made me happy... He was really nice to me today despite some statements. He drove me around and bought me lunch and he didn't bitch at all like he usually does. He even told his fiance that she has to get over hating me because he's going to hang out with me more often, but I guess we will see about that.

He was talking about having kids with her and stuff, and he seemed so happy.
I wish I could have a future with someone too.

I tried not to see them at all today. She bought me something, maybe it was just to make me look like an ass. I don't know. I noticed she was taking up more of my characteristics too. "Why do you like this movie?! It's awful! I can't believe you like it!" Some reaction like I usually have. They say you should be flattered when people mimic you, but I never get anything for it.


I am going to snuggle with Snoopy and cry 'till I fall asleep.
I am going to miss Antonio.

"Then I started to realize...I was livin' one big lie."

Bite the bullet.
Swallow your pride and,
Smile pretty.

"And it all breaks down at the role reversal..."

I had a good ish night, I thought.
 I went to the bar with my betrayal friends and drank a bit!
Unfortunately I texted my very recent ex bf, and I said "I am so sorry." Because I feel sorry for making him feel miserable, even if he is insane. I received

"Hello, my princess, how are you,, we. Need to talk
<3 <3 <3 <3 i've felt really alone without you.
We need to talk. My mind has been racing.
I didn't me to go so fast. I have this feeling
like you are the one, and yet there is that time
we need to get to know eachother. I'm sorry
that I'm pouting all this out but I think you'll
understand where I was coming from.
Thanks for getting ahold of me. I would have
answered earlier, but I didn't get it in time. Thank you.

You sleep? Goodnight"

I told him we should be friends if anything and need more time to get to know each other.

But then I found out my MALE 'friend' had left my house and gone to my female 'friend's house for three hours. When we were walking home from the bar I told him he didn't need to walk me home, and she bring her home since she was acting mad. He insisted on coming anyway, and tried to hold my hand and hug me. Then when he left he went to her house for three hours. I want to be mean very badly, but I am forcing myself to be not so much mean.

But...if you really want to see her bad enough that you are going to go to her house for three hours after you get RID of me, then you really don't have to walk me home at all. I can handle myself and niceness is an unfair tease.

Weird.

There was some t.v show I watched the other day, and the guy was in an 'intimate' relationship with his car. He told his dad about it, and frankly it was pretty strange.

Then there are some poor souls who have to buy 'love dolls'. Some guy pretends to be married to his.

Would it be weird to pretend you had a boyfriend? Or that someone loved you?

Is anything really weird if you're not ostentatious about it?

Keep on keepin' on.

I have to stop caring what people think about me, and I have to just do what I feel is right.
I have to stop being a baby. If people don't care about me they don't care about me, and I shouldn't run into some crazy persons arms to make me feel important. I am simply not important, and that will simply have to do for now, until I work hard enough to be someone.

But in some ways...maybe crazy people aren't so bad.

I used to love them but..

Words are just words.

Boyfriends.

Fuck deleting it.

--

So the other day I got a boyfriend. Why? 'Cause I felt like it. So far this guy is really pretty annoying and I don't think it will last long. Usually that doesn't matter to me, but this time it does.

Since I got a boyfriend my friends have decided something spectacular. They like each other! Isn't it swell? Prior to my dating someone the male friend of our group said, "Oh I don't like female friend at all. I don't have those feelings for her and I need to find out a way to make her stop." Keep that in mind.

Then as I am hanging out with my now bf and receiving stupid presents from him female friend is saying things like, "Oh he's so nice!" "Aww that's cute." "That's kinda cheesy but really adorable!" Things that are making me think, "Hm, maybe meeting this guy wasn't a bad idea and I should date him."

So I decided to date him. A few days prior I had gone out for lunch with him, S, and female friend also came. Male friend freaked out and decided we were replacing him and betraying him and blablabla, and "Why can't I compete with someone who didn't even know a week ago?" This sparked some suspicions, especially since I never ever led him on. I was always upfront about us not being able to be together.. and why did I think that?

BECAUSE FEMALE FRIEND HAD A CRUSH ON HIM AND I DIDN'T WANT THINGS TO BE AWKWARD BETWEEN THE THREE OF US!!!

Fast forward to Friday. Female friend, male friend and I are hanging out. Male friend laments, "I just want things to be normal." Meaning he doesn't want me to remember his overreaction of spending 110$ on getting drunk (because female friend and I had lunch with 'S' once and 'replaced him') and wants to move on. Great. I tried to act normal all day, but he was a little defensive and not that nice at all.

Then after the three of eat lunch we go to his house and play some video games. To do so he moved the couch so female friend and I could sit closer and then he sat on a chair next to it. Eventually we all get tired of the game and turn it off. I then realize that female friend is leaning over towards male friend. I felt uncomfortable, and a little pissed, and moved somewhere else. At that spot I was quiet forever and no one spoke to me until some time passed and male friend came over,

"Hey whatchya doing?"
"What does it look like?"
"Playin' a game?"
"Yep."
"I just want you to know that..I'm okay (orsomething) I have to work this out and then it will be alright okay?"

At which point I exploded a little bit expressing my dislike in the situation, saying I was trying to act normal and he wasnt, and he's acting like I betrayed him yadda yadda. We 'make nice' and I have to leave to pick up my dad.

Female friend asks gingerly, "Should I come too?"
I think I shouldn't lug her around my stupid dad so I say, "Oh I can come back after if you want?"
"Oh okay!"

Think nothing of it. I leave to give my dad and his girlfriend a ride. On the way back I ask my 'friends' if they want anything from the store, they do, yayaya pick it up go back. Now they are together on the big couch. So I move to the little one and sit there. We order some food, are having a good time, then I am noticing weird things.

Male friend an female friend are sitting at opposite ends of the couch except their feet are in the middle. And what's this? Male friend is rubbing female friends foot?! Oh okay. Ah, but wait. Now that I'm paying attention he's not. Okay. That's cool I guess.

Then female friend has to charge her phone. And even though there are plug outlets literally every two inches on the wall, she decides to use the one next to male friend. Since it's next to male friend, every time she needs to check on something she leans over his whole body to do it. Then, she stays there to check whatever and looks like ";o" on her face the whole time. Trying to look innocent or some shit. Oh before food came she asked to borrow some clothes under the pretense of not wanting to wear a dress anymore and male friend gave her some. SOOO as all this innocent accidental body invading is going on I decide, "Oh I have to wake up early I am leaving."
"Do you want to sleep over?"
"No."

And why would I when they both made me feel like an ass? Cuddling and shit right infront of me? When I can't even go out to lunch in private with someone? What the fuck ever.

I get mad at some point yesterday and Male friend tells me, "Oh well I know it looks wrong but I thought that I should return female friends feelings but don't feel bad okay? Because WE love you WE want you in our lives still and WE want you to hang out with us as much as you want and WE and WE and WE and WE."

They are just in the midst of discussing dating each other and they are already "WE"? Like they're souls are married because of that?

I think the whole ordeal is entirely hilarious and sort of a double standard.

In the past, if I ever even HUGGED male friend, female friend would cry and act like a puppy was murdered and blablabla. And then shes sleeping over with him.

Also she would always snuggle with him or go out with him when I wasnt around and not admit it and act like it was a secret. And you know what I just remembered?

A month or so ago I was thinking about dating male friend because I was very appreciative of him trying to make my birthday, a usually shitty day, special. It meant a lot to me. Neither of my parents even bothered to see me on that day and male friend went out of his way to make me happy. So as I was talking to female friend about dating him I eventually came to the conclusion that I shouldnt since I didnt want it to be awkward with everyone. She said something like, "Oh that makes me so happy! So many girls just throw their lives away dating people when they're young and you still want to do things with life! Im so happy!"

Convenient isn't it? Now that she can date him...when she is three years younger than me...it's not throwing away your life.

I forgot where I was going but anywhere, he are some points..

Male friend thought that when female friend and I both had lunch with 'S' that we were replacing him. Even though we both told him we could see him after and whatever. So he thought he was losing his friends.

Now that female friend and male friend are going to be dating, I AM losing both of my friends. I don't want to be the third wheel to these fucking get togethers and I always will be no matter what. Like I said I was/am dating 'S' for the thrill of it. I liked him a little bit sure but that's it. I wanted some excitement in life. Then when it ends between us, like it surely will since people hate me pretty fast, I could be with my friends and it wouldn't matter.

But now I don't have any friends, because they have each other.

My family consists of a flock of dickholes, and with these friends I was for once feeling happy and like I was belonging somewhere. I could see the future a little clearer. I was happy.

But now there will be no room for me. I'm not wanted any more, or special, or 'loved', and all that awaits me is a dark abyss of nothingness. I never had regrets before, and now all I want to do is die.

---

friendship is a facade.


Written 4/22/12
--


Post notes:
They actually did have sex, and lied about it.
Made it seem spur of the moment.
Then it was, "Oh actually" "Oh I just remembered.."

A lie.

Friendship is a façade . 

Bumps.

It is really difficult to do what has to be done.

I want friends, but I can't have any.

I want to run away and escape.

I almost don't care about disappointing anyone anymore.

I want to go far far away, for a long long time.

Ugh.

Sometimes I just want to be alone.

For some reason people are under the impression that I'm their parent or something.

And children tend to think that their parents have no lives.

Desire o desire.

I'm in love with a rat.

What do you think about that?

I would love a man,

but I don't think I can.

Just me and my rat,

will forever be sat

right where we're at.

And that will be that.

My dad.

I don't want to post twice in one day but something has been bothering me lately!

In the past I was good friends with my dad.

Even now I want to be good friends with my dad,

but I just can't be.

He is going down a bad path.

I always had to be the adult.

I AM an adult now..

and it makes me want to abandon him.

Is that bad?

He isn't doing anything to make me want him.

Ever since he started dating his girlfriend, no one else matters.

His mother is basically dying in front of everyones eyes,

and he can't even come over to say "Hi".

He can come over to take the car.

He can't say "Hi." to me either.

But he can ask me for the car.

He's a jerk.

My mom is starting to text every day now.

I guess that's nice.

She always says, "Goodnight."

This shit makes me feel lonely.

Your parents are supposed to love you and take care of you.

My parents are just people.

My grandparents are Gods, and I want them to live forever.

But they wont because they can't.

And after they're gone I want to be gone too.

If we could die at the same time I would be happy.

I don't want to depend on myself anymore.

And even though they are just letting me live with them,

I feel very taken care of.

Maybe the word is 'safe'.

I guess everyone has to depend on themselves though.

Anyway I really want my dad to stop being a prick.

Maybe what I want to say is, "I really want a dad."

But maybe that's what grandpa is for.

Fall asleep and I'm peaceful.

Betrayal is a funny thing.

It doesn't make sense sometimes.

Sometimes everything is just too personal.

Thank you, for saying I am your best friend in spite of your old friend.

Thank you, for hanging out with people who talk shit about me and treat you like trash.

Thank you for being so very very wonderful.

But really.. what right do I have in being mad?

Of all the games, its all the same that kills me again.

And all the time I hate to say the blames on you.

Of all the words and kindness spent reminds me again

of all the times I failed to see this side of you.

I died today. I broke the rules and changed my name.

I hate to say, "It's over." Over and over.

Forever doesn't exist.

One of the saddest things I've ever seen

Is a limp dog tail

Hanging lifelessly

From a table.

Foxy Foxy.

February 7th 2012.

My friend and I saw The Darkness live!

It was super amazing.

I had been feeling stressed about making the trip since I am such a nervous person but I am sooo glad we went.

Okay, on Monday we went to Syr after school. From there we took a bus to Philadelphia. Initially I was going to drive there but I was worried about the weather. I am not used to driving in the snow yet and my car doesn't have snow tires so we decided to take a bus. As it would turn out, the weather was beautiful. There was no snow and it was even warm. (Weird for February..)

We arrived in Philly around 10 something I think..maybe closer to 11..and we went immediately to the hotel. We had to catch a cab, and the driver was nice enough to take us the long way so our fare would be 20$. (When we took another cab to the same destination, different route, only like 12 bucks. Thanks first guy!) The clerk at the hotel seemed like a lovely fella. He greated us by telling us that he didn't 'fill' like working. It was a bit like this,

Clerk: Maaan I'm ready to go home.
Friend: Oh have you been here all day?

Clerk: Naw, I just don't fill like it. You know what I'm saying? You ever just not fill like doing anything?

Friend: Oh yeah, haha. Are you out soon?

Clerk: Yeah Im affenda get up outta here. Ya'll from New York? I love New York!

It was very precious.

The room was pretty goood. I slept well both nights. I lost 100$ but it made a triumphant return by the end so that was prettyyy chillll.

We woke up early to go to the venue to get our tickets. The guy told us that we had to wait till 7 so we walked around a bit then ended up going back to the hotel and sleeping a few hours lolol.

BUT when we finally went back to the venue, maybe around 4 or so.. there was a little crowd starting. It was a gaggle of teeny boppers. We they were all annoying and bratty to one of their mothers.. Then some weirdo comes over and they all freak out and take pics with him. My friends and I are looking at each other like, "What?!" We felt left out and lost since we had no idea who he was.

A few people later and we find out that the concert has two opening bands. We are not so pumped about it. We made chit chat with some people in line (till they started flirting with the teenyboppers), a friend got us some asprin for our achey heads, and before we knew it we were allowed in!

I had a will call ticket so we had to wait a minute to get in but we surprisingly got an awesome spot in the front thanks to one of the pals we made in line. It was right up front and amazingggg.

The first band kinda sucked balls, the second one was flipping amazing. And! Low and behold, the weirdo with the hair that the boppers were going gaga for was the bassist of the second band. We shoulda gotten up on that when we had the chance, lemme tell ya..

My friend ended up recording most of their performance and I can honestly say that we are probably new fans of them. They did an awesome show. I dont really want to write a big long thinggg but I dont want to forget this night so I am going to make a potentially incomprehensible list.

• Foxy Shazam singer spit all over the floor. He said a lot of cute things like, "If shooting people was legal I would be dead!" and, "I don't know what I'm saying.." It was lovely.
• Roadies after FS performance cleaned up his spit with a rag. A girl in the audience begged for it, and roadie threw it at her. Some other girl stole it from her, shoved it in her purse, gave her a loook, and ran off.
• FS singer ate cigarettes and drank drool out of a shoe. I think drool.
• The Darkness opened with Black Shuck and ended with Love on the Rocks. Recorded a lot of this.
• Justin was an awesome front man, interacting with the fans and all. I loved it.
  
• Daniel looked so happy and cuteeeeee playing his guitar. He bowed down to the fans at one point. Made me feel good man. We caught one of his picks! Later, we caught a towel he rubbed on his sweaty face. Score.
• Justin got on the shoulders of one of the bouncers and went around the crowd. He then climbed up the wall to the balcony and stage dove into the crowd. My friend ran over to him as he did this, and copped a feeeel. Then I touched his leg a liiiittle tiny bit when he floated over my head on the hands of happy happy people.
• Some chick jumped on stage (or attempted) while Justin was going around the crowd. Daniel laughed. It was glorious.
• Some chick threw her bra on the stage.

Justin:..*looks at it* There's not even a phone number on it! What will happen if I type in "Pink Leopard Print Bra on facebook? It better pop up with a picture of you wearing it. ;)"

It was soosososososo wonderful. I would love to see them again. They are coming out with a new album soon so perhaps it will be possible! It was just crazy and surreal to see another band that I've idolized since I was little one. Im glad I had good friends to go with and I can't wait for the next time.

I hope this memory stays fresh forever.

Tsk tsk tsk..

The more I want it, the more I know it will never happen.

Friendships are so fickle. I don't know why they can't ever last.

I feel it ending and I don't want it to.

--

Started school this week.

I am not a fan. :<

My grandpa always says, "We all have to do shit we don't want to." and Lord knows he does.

But everything I do is 'shit I don't want to'.

:(

Life's a fleeting dream, don't let it go.

Ya gotta make the best of it you know.

Winter break. It was long. I set myself some goals. I accomplished none of them.

I did however, watch a lot of anime.

Some might regret the loss of time spent. Some might curse themselves for their lack of motivation. I mourn for the finality of it.

Ever since I was small I liked watching T.V... More like, loved it. Even after I was done watching a show I sat in my room and imagined how life would be if it were more like whatever I just watched. Make believe always seemed preferable to actuality..but when you live in a disgusting and abusive world what can one really expect? In a lot of the shows I watched life was also pretty abusive. There were always epic battles and scary 'final' fights..blood, sweat, tears, deaths. The characters always over came it though. They always beat the bad guy and went on living.

I was always jealous.

I would have fought 1,000 Majin Boo's when I was 10 years old if I could only escape my pushover mother and terribly abusive step dad. And even though I pretended I could run away I knew it was all just in my head. I wanted to be gone so badly that I told myself stories about how far away I would get. I was always always always making up stories.

Then I met someone.

I thought maybe real life could be more beautiful than T.V.

I stopped being creative, I didn't want to run away anymore.

But it was fake.

The someone left.

The someone was nothing.

My creativity was still gone.

Then another came and went, and another, and another. I never put too much stress on romances so I felt relieved to find a good friend. But good friends never lasted for me either. They always grew out of whatever we had in common, found new friends, found a boyfriend, started doing drugs, blah blah blah. In the end, no matter what, I was always alone. I didn't have any stories left either.

Now I have some good friends. I want to love them like people in TV seem to love their friends but I cant decide if its practical or not.

I guess.. in the end I just want to be smiling...so maybe I should start making myself some stories again.