I wrote this once,
"Some one once said, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I would have to disagree. Losing love should be considered sacrilegious. The agony one’s cold soul goes through to even get close enough to feel the seemingly forbidden love is a petty inconvenience. When one starts to fall in ‘love’ he begins to doubt himself, to curse himself, to loathe himself. To experience all of those things for the brief comfort of ‘love’ is cruel. To say it is better to have lost love than to never have loved at all is crueler yet."
I like writing stories. They hurt fictional characters while making a point.
Some times I feel like a fictional character.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I can't sleep! - Random train of thought.
The day before High school came I thought, "This isn't really happening. Tomorrow wont come. The world will end."
The day my mom left her ex husband I thought, "This isn't really happening. We wont move out. The world will end."
When I found out my mom was pregnant for Riley I thought, "This isn't really happening. The baby will never be born. The world will end."
When I learned my dad did drugs I thought, "This isn't really happening. My dad wouldn't lie. The world will end."
When I broke up with Antonio I thought, "This isn't really happening. I love him too much. The world will end."
I never ever ever think about next week. How can I know what I want in 10 years?
My childhood was never happy, so at times I think what I want the most is to make a child happy.
I was always left alone and only had animals to keep me company, so at times I think what I want the most is to protect them.
My mother never paid any attention to me, or tried to do anything for me. My dad always did his best for me. It makes me think that what I want most is to be a man.
Since I was always alone until I was 13 or so, I learned about how ugly the world was. I never wanted to think about next week, because I knew it would be the same and I would still be by myself. I never trusted my mother because her promises were always empty. She was never empty for my brother. It made me bitter, I'm still bitter.
I hate it because it makes me vulnerable. I feel close to nice people too fast. Those people never last in my life.
My grandma always told me, "You have to depend on yourself." But do I matter? I have always depended on myself, it makes it hard for me to trust people. Antonio always told me, "You don't need people."
What do I need? What do I want?
The day my mom left her ex husband I thought, "This isn't really happening. We wont move out. The world will end."
When I found out my mom was pregnant for Riley I thought, "This isn't really happening. The baby will never be born. The world will end."
When I learned my dad did drugs I thought, "This isn't really happening. My dad wouldn't lie. The world will end."
When I broke up with Antonio I thought, "This isn't really happening. I love him too much. The world will end."
I never ever ever think about next week. How can I know what I want in 10 years?
My childhood was never happy, so at times I think what I want the most is to make a child happy.
I was always left alone and only had animals to keep me company, so at times I think what I want the most is to protect them.
My mother never paid any attention to me, or tried to do anything for me. My dad always did his best for me. It makes me think that what I want most is to be a man.
Since I was always alone until I was 13 or so, I learned about how ugly the world was. I never wanted to think about next week, because I knew it would be the same and I would still be by myself. I never trusted my mother because her promises were always empty. She was never empty for my brother. It made me bitter, I'm still bitter.
I hate it because it makes me vulnerable. I feel close to nice people too fast. Those people never last in my life.
My grandma always told me, "You have to depend on yourself." But do I matter? I have always depended on myself, it makes it hard for me to trust people. Antonio always told me, "You don't need people."
What do I need? What do I want?
I smiled when the sun finally shone on me,
but now it's setting,
and I'm getting cold.
but now it's setting,
and I'm getting cold.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Are You Glad to be Home?
Finally, after about 3 years, I got to see my friend Ryota! Initially he was going to arrive on the 6th and come to Auburn until the 8th and then return to Japan on the 10th. Instead, he came on the 6th and the two of us went to NYC on the 7th~ Lemme tell ya, it was pretty exciting stuff!
The drive was pretty fun, my best bud/roommate Nikki said she would take time off from work to drive there and back so that we could pick up Ryota. I thought the trip would only take 3-4 hours, but I was sadly mistaken. It took about 5 hours to get there, and probably 6 hours to get back since Nikki kept getting lost hahaha.. But that's okay! I didn't mind that the trip took so terribly long because what was waiting for us in NYC was worth the trip 1000 times.
On the way there I was really nervous! It wasn't because Nikki was driving 118mph, not paying attention to the road, or running over birds (one of which exploded on the hood of the car and windshield) BUT because I didn't know what to expect. I didn't want to look fat, or ugly, or gross, or be obnoxious, or this, or that, blah blah blah.. So the whole ride to NYC I felt sick to my stomach. (The bird guts could have added to that..) and some thing new and exciting happened to me! My palms started sweating~! The bottoms of my feet too! It was horrifically disgusting, but also kind of funny because I kept falling out of my shoes.
We couldn't find Ryota at the airport~ Because he told us the wrong terminal~~ But that was okay! We eventually all met up and... I was so happy~ I think in the 3 years I haven't seen him, he's gotten cuter heh heh hehh.. He said "Youre short!" ;_; but I warned him about that.. We went to sleep after we got back to Auburn and ate~ The next day we went to the playground and saw my Grandma. I'm glad that he met my Grandma, because she's probably the most important person to me and I really wanted her to get to see him. Ofcourse she thought he was adorable and lovely. Even though he let the dogs run outside. (It was kind of my fault too nyahahaha.) That afternoon Ryota said we should go to NYC and I agreed. I wasn't sure it could happen, and I was really surprised to see how simple it was to find a place to stay and way to get there. I didn't think the bus ride took as long as the car ride, but then again I enjoyed hanging out with my pal.
In the past I was kind of afraid of NYC. I thought it was too big, and confusing, and full of thiefs and murderers but I was pleasantly proven wrong. One of the things I was most afraid of was the subway but I had to tackle that fear as soon as we got off the bus. I think it was kind of fun actually! Walking in heels isn't very difficult for me but balancing in them on the subway is. I think I got the whole 'subway experience' done within the first three times being on it. I unintentionaly molested some one, I stood in vomit for 5 minutes before realizing it, I almost fell every time the train moved, a 'homeless' guy begged every one for money, AAAAAND a creep sat next to me. (A black lady yelled at us too but I think Ryota never noticed hahaha.) I was a little disappointed that 54 Japanese school girls didn't jump infront of the train though..(Heh.)
We stayed in a Japanese hostel. I didn't understand much, but I really looooved listening to Japanese converstaion. I think Japanese is a truly beautiful language. A guy there, Takashi, was adorable. He tried to talk to me a couple of times. I didn't speak too much because I felt like I was an intruder. There was another guy staying there that I thought might be a little bit rude, but on my last day he said, "Good morning!!" and it made me happyyy. Hahaha. We went to the zoo and the museum, and made alot of nice memories.~
When we parted I felt sad, but I felt inspired too. I have a reason to work now. Before I was working so that I could survive, but now I want to work towards a goal so I can live.
My dad met me at the terminal in Syracuse with some food and he asked me "Are you glad to be home?" It might have a hurt a little bit, but I had to be honest and said, "Not really.."
I enjoyed being in NYC. I never saw the same person twice, and I got to experience alot of new things. I learned a lot of significant things in the short time I was there too. I actually really miss it.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Insignificant.
Hello dear blog!
Since the last time I have written on this thing, a bunch of things have happened. About a month ago I moved into an apartment with my friend Nikki and her boyfriend Matt. I wasn't really worried about leaving my dads house because I had lived in an apartment before. This time it's really different.
I used to live with my ex boyfriend Antonio. I worked at a restaurant near that apartment, and there were a lot of stores around it so I never really had to worry about a car. When I lived with Antonio I was really independent, the only time I ever needed any thing from one of my parents was when I needed to go to school. I went to school until 2pm and then I would go to work until 9 or 10pm after school. When I got back to the apartment I would eat (my job gave you food) and then clean the house. Antonio worked from 4pm until 2am so I always had the place to myself and it was peaceful.
Now it's not so peaceful. I have to buy food all the time, and get rides to work, and deal with both of my roommates. I get easily annoyed by them because I have to see them all the time and they're both a bit ostentatious. I don't see Matt too often because he usually works at night, but I really can't stand him when I do see him. He goes in my room all the time and it makes me mad. I don't go in his room, he shouldn't go in mine! He is a very selfish man and blindly thinks only of himself. He kicked my brother out of my house, after barging into my room, because he had drugs on him. He was really rude about it. I knew my brother had drugs and so did Nikki and my brother knew he wasn't allowed to do them in my house. My brother just went into my room to do some thing so he wouldn't be in every ones way. Matt barged into my room and said, "Get the fuck out of my house!" To be blunt, it pissed me off. In my mind it's not anyones job to yell at my brother except mine! I think Matt is selfish and ignorant because as soon as my brother left he apologized to me. If you are going to act recklessly and apologize immediately after, you should think before you act a little longer. The next day Matt was complaining about how Nikki doesn't like his sister. He said, "I never get to see my family! Its not fair that they can't come to our apartment because it's my house too!" I haven't seen my brother in a month, and last I knew I was paying for the apartment too.
I'm trying to get over my anger because I can see why Matt is angry. I'm trying to become unbiased in my opions these days. I think it is a good thing to challenge yourself to see both sides of an issue before you pass judgement.
Nikki is bothering me a little bit too. She's always been rude, but I can't stand it when she's rude to me.
I feel lonely lately, and terribly insignificant. I don't want to sound cliche or depressed but, if I wasn't here it wouldn't effect anyone.
Since the last time I have written on this thing, a bunch of things have happened. About a month ago I moved into an apartment with my friend Nikki and her boyfriend Matt. I wasn't really worried about leaving my dads house because I had lived in an apartment before. This time it's really different.
I used to live with my ex boyfriend Antonio. I worked at a restaurant near that apartment, and there were a lot of stores around it so I never really had to worry about a car. When I lived with Antonio I was really independent, the only time I ever needed any thing from one of my parents was when I needed to go to school. I went to school until 2pm and then I would go to work until 9 or 10pm after school. When I got back to the apartment I would eat (my job gave you food) and then clean the house. Antonio worked from 4pm until 2am so I always had the place to myself and it was peaceful.
Now it's not so peaceful. I have to buy food all the time, and get rides to work, and deal with both of my roommates. I get easily annoyed by them because I have to see them all the time and they're both a bit ostentatious. I don't see Matt too often because he usually works at night, but I really can't stand him when I do see him. He goes in my room all the time and it makes me mad. I don't go in his room, he shouldn't go in mine! He is a very selfish man and blindly thinks only of himself. He kicked my brother out of my house, after barging into my room, because he had drugs on him. He was really rude about it. I knew my brother had drugs and so did Nikki and my brother knew he wasn't allowed to do them in my house. My brother just went into my room to do some thing so he wouldn't be in every ones way. Matt barged into my room and said, "Get the fuck out of my house!" To be blunt, it pissed me off. In my mind it's not anyones job to yell at my brother except mine! I think Matt is selfish and ignorant because as soon as my brother left he apologized to me. If you are going to act recklessly and apologize immediately after, you should think before you act a little longer. The next day Matt was complaining about how Nikki doesn't like his sister. He said, "I never get to see my family! Its not fair that they can't come to our apartment because it's my house too!" I haven't seen my brother in a month, and last I knew I was paying for the apartment too.
I'm trying to get over my anger because I can see why Matt is angry. I'm trying to become unbiased in my opions these days. I think it is a good thing to challenge yourself to see both sides of an issue before you pass judgement.
Nikki is bothering me a little bit too. She's always been rude, but I can't stand it when she's rude to me.
I feel lonely lately, and terribly insignificant. I don't want to sound cliche or depressed but, if I wasn't here it wouldn't effect anyone.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Fake fake 2.
Hello blog land! Prepare for a doozy.
Right now I am thinking about a wonderful thing called 'pet peeves'. You know, those stupid things people do that are petty but very very very annoying. I only have a few major ones right now, but I am going to list them in hopes that I can cope with them! I am currently in a position where it is vital I deal with these tiny peeves.
First One: Selfish people. I think that people are selfish because they are too innocent. I know that sounds weird, but people with out a lot of life experience to me are 'innocent'. If one doesn't have any experience with people they might find it difficult to pick up signs from people which probably makes them seem selfish. Today I downloaded a lot of songs for my friend and sent them to her computer. Instead of realizing the work I had to put into finding her the songs and sending them, she realized some thing that inconvenienced HER. The songs were not in order when I transferred them, so she could only think about that. It's very obnoxious.
Second One: Being corrected. I think being corrected is a good thing..IF your mistake is some thing that's important or could effect you badly. I hate when people have to always be right and can't let one thing go. I hate when they have to argue every point just because they think they're right. Every thing is not a battle, and if you view it as one you should learn how to surrender some times. It is even more obnoxious when a person goes out of their way to prove that they are right and show you. From their point of view it must be like "I just wanted to let you know what was right!" But to me I see it as, "I just wanted to let you know that I was right!"
I guess that's all for now. Now onto some other news!
My cousin had a baby on the 13th (I think I wrote about it a little bit last blog) and unfortunately she passed away on the 22nd. I believe every one in life has a purpose to fulfill before they pass away. The baby brought many people together, and made them open their eyes and be more accepting. I think she also made people appreciate the time they have with loved ones. So! I think the baby fulfilled her purpose.
Many of my friends are getting upset with me about wanting to move. My friend Nikki in particular is very upset. I think we have a good relationship and she is one of the first people to say some thing like, "You're really a good friend you know that?" She's a very determined person. It's strange but I am proud of her for the things she accomplishes and can handle. It's strange because I have no right to be proud for any reason hahaha. It is a bit difficult leaving her since I cherish her friendship quite a bit! However, I feel like moving is an important thing for me to do so I really want to do it.~
It is Ryota's birthday in a few hours.~!!
Monday, February 22, 2010
I'm thinking about a bunch of stuff again! AHHH.
Woo! It's been quite awhile since I've written any blogs. I had better make this one amazing. Ready? GO!
I turned 19 recently! I realized when I turned 19 that I really didn't accomplish any thing when I was 18. I learned a lot of things about the person I want to be and the people I want to spend my time with, but I didn't do any thing wonderful. One of the most important things I learned was... I don't think I should stress relationships! Many people make getting a boyfriend or a girlfriend their biggest priority in life and I think it's a little bit stupid. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt. She has two kids and is divorced. To me it seemed like she spent more time looking for a boyfriend so she could complete the 'family' illusion that she neglected to take care of (and perfect!) the family she already had which is : her children! My mother did the same thing to my brother and I when we were young. She was so concerned that we wouldn't have a positive male role model in our lives that we lost our female role model as well. I used to be very sour about that, but I think it made me who I am so I can't be mad any more.
Another reason I think my mom and my aunt were so obsessed with the 'family' picture is that it's kind of ...stressed by society. Not new society, old society. My cousin had a mixed race baby last week and my Grandma was telling me about how she thinks it wrong. She's under the impression that a mixed child fits in neither world. Black people world or White people world. Hahahah. I told her that I think that's what life has become now a days, and the children aren't really outcasted but..I'm not a mixed race person so I don't really know. Also, a child should be loved by their family no matter what race they are or aren't so they would fit in that world! Family World. ;D Any way I think her kind of thinking is 'old society'. New society thinking might be some thing like my other grandma Mimi~ When I told her about my cousin she was excited because..it was a baby! She wasn't mad or concerned the baby wouldn't fit in any 'world'. Just happy. My cousin isn't related to Mimi and, she wanted to help all she could hahah. I love my grandmaaa.. Both of them hehe. It's a nice contrast between the two. My cousins pregnancy in general was very controversal. She's very young so mostly people were concerned about that, then they were concerned about the race and made nasty jokes, many people were mad. That baby isn't doing very well now and is expected to die. Now no one is nasty or mad at her for existing. It's not her fault she was born afterall. It's kind of funny how some thing like 'death' has to make people open their eyes and be more accepting. Actually it's not funny at all, it's very sad.
~
I made a friend on the internet perhaps..four years ago! We didn't chat much at first but through the years we learned alot of things about each other. I learned about her family situation and we kept in contact when she had to move all across the U.S so we became kind of close. She likes how I think since I'm kind of a 'can doster' and help her figure out things.. But! She moved to New York last summer so we got to hang out a few times. On my birthday she and her very lovely father came to my house to spend it with me and my family since I wanted them to meet my Mimi~ It was very fun. I never have been so excited about my birthday hahaha. We all had fun and my friend (whose name is Scone) loved Mimi. SO I felt really happy the whole day. Then after we ate and hung out with every one I went to their house. They live in a place that is about 3 hours away from me. At first the trip went okay but I noticed that Scone was acting very different. Usually she's very sweet but she had some sort of attitude problem th first couple of days and I wanted to leave. I felt like I wasted my time with her since she was being such a brat. Then I realized some thing! She was really really upset about her father having to go to Afghanistan. So I stretched my patience with her a bit. I thought, "This is hard for her. I should be nice. :)" but I HATE being nice when the other person is just OBLIVIOUS to it. It's infuriating! So finally I told her that I didn't like her being so rude to me. She didn't realize that she had been and apologized but I was still mad hahah. When she found out the definate date her dad was leaving she got a new mood and started being nice again. I'm glad that she's being nice again, because now I can help her with her grief better.~
When Scone talks about what is bothering her I try to suggest things she can do to help or I just say what's on my mind about it. She says "But.." as a response too much. I think people these days are so afraid of trying some thing and failing that they never take even the first step towards that thing. Personally, I would rather try and fail than never have had tried in the first place. But! In a way, I have always been a bit brave with these kind of things. I am learning alot from trying to help her. Things that are helping me too. I told her that when she looks at a situation she should write it all down so she can really LOOK at it. For example, she wants to become a free lancer and draw comics but she's afraid her family wont support her and she's afraid she will fail. I don't understand her loyalty to her family since she doesn't like them but I digress on this. . So! She told me she was afraid she would fail at becoming a freelancer and she wasn't really going to try but she really wanted to do it. ~_~ So I told her to pretend it wasn't her going to school and she was watching some one else do it. Because no matter what any one says humans are all very judgemental entities. We have a much easier time controlling other peoples lives than our own. (Oh come to think of it, we went to an art exibit! There were very average looking people there looking around and some woman was asking every one their opinions about what they were looking at. I laughed, because..at art exibits every one suddenly becomes a professional. It's the same with running other peoples lives, you always think you're correct in what you tell them!)
NYAH~
I'm going home on March 1st because my friend has to move to Texas, and her dad has to go over seas. I finally have some thing to look forward to in the future so I'm going to push myself to do my best! Some times when I try to do the best..I just get lazy. But since I have a goal in mind I feel more motivated to do well. For once in life, I feel that what I want to do is really what I should do in life. Many times I have a hard time imagining what my future will be like but now I'm getting glimpses of it.~!
My friend keeps listening to JJ Lin, and I am a fan of this song.~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWlDoGd_Drk It's really cute. ;_;~
I turned 19 recently! I realized when I turned 19 that I really didn't accomplish any thing when I was 18. I learned a lot of things about the person I want to be and the people I want to spend my time with, but I didn't do any thing wonderful. One of the most important things I learned was... I don't think I should stress relationships! Many people make getting a boyfriend or a girlfriend their biggest priority in life and I think it's a little bit stupid. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt. She has two kids and is divorced. To me it seemed like she spent more time looking for a boyfriend so she could complete the 'family' illusion that she neglected to take care of (and perfect!) the family she already had which is : her children! My mother did the same thing to my brother and I when we were young. She was so concerned that we wouldn't have a positive male role model in our lives that we lost our female role model as well. I used to be very sour about that, but I think it made me who I am so I can't be mad any more.
Another reason I think my mom and my aunt were so obsessed with the 'family' picture is that it's kind of ...stressed by society. Not new society, old society. My cousin had a mixed race baby last week and my Grandma was telling me about how she thinks it wrong. She's under the impression that a mixed child fits in neither world. Black people world or White people world. Hahahah. I told her that I think that's what life has become now a days, and the children aren't really outcasted but..I'm not a mixed race person so I don't really know. Also, a child should be loved by their family no matter what race they are or aren't so they would fit in that world! Family World. ;D Any way I think her kind of thinking is 'old society'. New society thinking might be some thing like my other grandma Mimi~ When I told her about my cousin she was excited because..it was a baby! She wasn't mad or concerned the baby wouldn't fit in any 'world'. Just happy. My cousin isn't related to Mimi and, she wanted to help all she could hahah. I love my grandmaaa.. Both of them hehe. It's a nice contrast between the two. My cousins pregnancy in general was very controversal. She's very young so mostly people were concerned about that, then they were concerned about the race and made nasty jokes, many people were mad. That baby isn't doing very well now and is expected to die. Now no one is nasty or mad at her for existing. It's not her fault she was born afterall. It's kind of funny how some thing like 'death' has to make people open their eyes and be more accepting. Actually it's not funny at all, it's very sad.
~
I made a friend on the internet perhaps..four years ago! We didn't chat much at first but through the years we learned alot of things about each other. I learned about her family situation and we kept in contact when she had to move all across the U.S so we became kind of close. She likes how I think since I'm kind of a 'can doster' and help her figure out things.. But! She moved to New York last summer so we got to hang out a few times. On my birthday she and her very lovely father came to my house to spend it with me and my family since I wanted them to meet my Mimi~ It was very fun. I never have been so excited about my birthday hahaha. We all had fun and my friend (whose name is Scone) loved Mimi. SO I felt really happy the whole day. Then after we ate and hung out with every one I went to their house. They live in a place that is about 3 hours away from me. At first the trip went okay but I noticed that Scone was acting very different. Usually she's very sweet but she had some sort of attitude problem th first couple of days and I wanted to leave. I felt like I wasted my time with her since she was being such a brat. Then I realized some thing! She was really really upset about her father having to go to Afghanistan. So I stretched my patience with her a bit. I thought, "This is hard for her. I should be nice. :)" but I HATE being nice when the other person is just OBLIVIOUS to it. It's infuriating! So finally I told her that I didn't like her being so rude to me. She didn't realize that she had been and apologized but I was still mad hahah. When she found out the definate date her dad was leaving she got a new mood and started being nice again. I'm glad that she's being nice again, because now I can help her with her grief better.~
When Scone talks about what is bothering her I try to suggest things she can do to help or I just say what's on my mind about it. She says "But.." as a response too much. I think people these days are so afraid of trying some thing and failing that they never take even the first step towards that thing. Personally, I would rather try and fail than never have had tried in the first place. But! In a way, I have always been a bit brave with these kind of things. I am learning alot from trying to help her. Things that are helping me too. I told her that when she looks at a situation she should write it all down so she can really LOOK at it. For example, she wants to become a free lancer and draw comics but she's afraid her family wont support her and she's afraid she will fail. I don't understand her loyalty to her family since she doesn't like them but I digress on this. . So! She told me she was afraid she would fail at becoming a freelancer and she wasn't really going to try but she really wanted to do it. ~_~ So I told her to pretend it wasn't her going to school and she was watching some one else do it. Because no matter what any one says humans are all very judgemental entities. We have a much easier time controlling other peoples lives than our own. (Oh come to think of it, we went to an art exibit! There were very average looking people there looking around and some woman was asking every one their opinions about what they were looking at. I laughed, because..at art exibits every one suddenly becomes a professional. It's the same with running other peoples lives, you always think you're correct in what you tell them!)
NYAH~
I'm going home on March 1st because my friend has to move to Texas, and her dad has to go over seas. I finally have some thing to look forward to in the future so I'm going to push myself to do my best! Some times when I try to do the best..I just get lazy. But since I have a goal in mind I feel more motivated to do well. For once in life, I feel that what I want to do is really what I should do in life. Many times I have a hard time imagining what my future will be like but now I'm getting glimpses of it.~!
My friend keeps listening to JJ Lin, and I am a fan of this song.~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWlDoGd_Drk It's really cute. ;_;~
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