Unconditional.

I wrote this once,

"Some one once said, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I would have to disagree. Losing love should be considered sacrilegious. The agony one’s cold soul goes through to even get close enough to feel the seemingly forbidden love is a petty inconvenience. When one starts to fall in ‘love’ he begins to doubt himself, to curse himself, to loathe himself. To experience all of those things for the brief comfort of ‘love’ is cruel. To say it is better to have lost love than to never have loved at all is crueler yet."

I like writing stories. They hurt fictional characters while making a point.

Some times I feel like a fictional character.

I can't sleep! - Random train of thought.

The day before High school came I thought, "This isn't really happening. Tomorrow wont come. The world will end."

The day my mom left her ex husband I thought, "This isn't really happening. We wont move out. The world will end."

When I found out my mom was pregnant for Riley I thought, "This isn't really happening. The baby will never be born. The world will end."

When I learned my dad did drugs I thought, "This isn't really happening. My dad wouldn't lie. The world will end."

When I broke up with Antonio I thought, "This isn't really happening. I love him too much. The world will end."

I never ever ever think about next week. How can I know what I want in 10 years?

My childhood was never happy, so at times I think what I want the most is to make a child happy.

I was always left alone and only had animals to keep me company, so at times I think what I want the most is to protect them.

My mother never paid any attention to me, or tried to do anything for me. My dad always did his best for me. It makes me think that what I want most is to be a man.

Since I was always alone until I was 13 or so, I learned about how ugly the world was. I never wanted to think about next week, because I knew it would be the same and I would still be by myself. I never trusted my mother because her promises were always empty. She was never empty for my brother. It made me bitter, I'm still bitter.

I hate it because it makes me vulnerable. I feel close to nice people too fast. Those people never last in my life.

My grandma always told me, "You have to depend on yourself." But do I matter? I have always depended on myself, it makes it hard for me to trust people. Antonio always told me, "You don't need people."

What do I need? What do I want?

I smiled when the sun finally shone on me,
but now it's setting,
and I'm getting cold.

Are You Glad to be Home?

Finally, after about 3 years, I got to see my friend Ryota! Initially he was going to arrive on the 6th and come to Auburn until the 8th and then return to Japan on the 10th. Instead, he came on the 6th and the two of us went to NYC on the 7th~ Lemme tell ya, it was pretty exciting stuff!

The drive was pretty fun, my best bud/roommate Nikki said she would take time off from work to drive there and back so that we could pick up Ryota. I thought the trip would only take 3-4 hours, but I was sadly mistaken. It took about 5 hours to get there, and probably 6 hours to get back since Nikki kept getting lost hahaha.. But that's okay! I didn't mind that the trip took so terribly long because what was waiting for us in NYC was worth the trip 1000 times.

On the way there I was really nervous! It wasn't because Nikki was driving 118mph, not paying attention to the road, or running over birds (one of which exploded on the hood of the car and windshield) BUT because I didn't know what to expect. I didn't want to look fat, or ugly, or gross, or be obnoxious, or this, or that, blah blah blah.. So the whole ride to NYC I felt sick to my stomach. (The bird guts could have added to that..) and some thing new and exciting happened to me! My palms started sweating~! The bottoms of my feet too! It was horrifically disgusting, but also kind of funny because I kept falling out of my shoes.

We couldn't find Ryota at the airport~ Because he told us the wrong terminal~~ But that was okay! We eventually all met up and... I was so happy~ I think in the 3 years I haven't seen him, he's gotten cuter heh heh hehh.. He said "Youre short!" ;_; but I warned him about that.. We went to sleep after we got back to Auburn and ate~ The next day we went to the playground and saw my Grandma. I'm glad that he met my Grandma, because she's probably the most important person to me and I really wanted her to get to see him. Ofcourse she thought he was adorable and lovely. Even though he let the dogs run outside. (It was kind of my fault too nyahahaha.) That afternoon Ryota said we should go to NYC and I agreed. I wasn't sure it could happen, and I was really surprised to see how simple it was to find a place to stay and way to get there. I didn't think the bus ride took as long as the car ride, but then again I enjoyed hanging out with my pal.

In the past I was kind of afraid of NYC. I thought it was too big, and confusing, and full of thiefs and murderers but I was pleasantly proven wrong. One of the things I was most afraid of was the subway but I had to tackle that fear as soon as we got off the bus. I think it was kind of fun actually! Walking in heels isn't very difficult for me but balancing in them on the subway is. I think I got the whole 'subway experience' done within the first three times being on it. I unintentionaly molested some one, I stood in vomit for 5 minutes before realizing it, I almost fell every time the train moved, a 'homeless' guy begged every one for money, AAAAAND a creep sat next to me. (A black lady yelled at us too but I think Ryota never noticed hahaha.) I was a little disappointed that 54 Japanese school girls didn't jump infront of the train though..(Heh.)

We stayed in a Japanese hostel. I didn't understand much, but I really looooved listening to Japanese converstaion. I think Japanese is a truly beautiful language. A guy there, Takashi, was adorable. He tried to talk to me a couple of times. I didn't speak too much because I felt like I was an intruder. There was another guy staying there that I thought might be a little bit rude, but on my last day he said, "Good morning!!" and it made me happyyy. Hahaha. We went to the zoo and the museum, and made alot of nice memories.~

When we parted I felt sad, but I felt inspired too. I have a reason to work now. Before I was working so that I could survive, but now I want to work towards a goal so I can live.

My dad met me at the terminal in Syracuse with some food and he asked me "Are you glad to be home?" It might have a hurt a little bit, but I had to be honest and said, "Not really.."


I enjoyed being in NYC. I never saw the same person twice, and I got to experience alot of new things. I learned a lot of significant things in the short time I was there too. I actually really miss it.