I can't sleep! - Random train of thought.

The day before High school came I thought, "This isn't really happening. Tomorrow wont come. The world will end."

The day my mom left her ex husband I thought, "This isn't really happening. We wont move out. The world will end."

When I found out my mom was pregnant for Riley I thought, "This isn't really happening. The baby will never be born. The world will end."

When I learned my dad did drugs I thought, "This isn't really happening. My dad wouldn't lie. The world will end."

When I broke up with Antonio I thought, "This isn't really happening. I love him too much. The world will end."

I never ever ever think about next week. How can I know what I want in 10 years?

My childhood was never happy, so at times I think what I want the most is to make a child happy.

I was always left alone and only had animals to keep me company, so at times I think what I want the most is to protect them.

My mother never paid any attention to me, or tried to do anything for me. My dad always did his best for me. It makes me think that what I want most is to be a man.

Since I was always alone until I was 13 or so, I learned about how ugly the world was. I never wanted to think about next week, because I knew it would be the same and I would still be by myself. I never trusted my mother because her promises were always empty. She was never empty for my brother. It made me bitter, I'm still bitter.

I hate it because it makes me vulnerable. I feel close to nice people too fast. Those people never last in my life.

My grandma always told me, "You have to depend on yourself." But do I matter? I have always depended on myself, it makes it hard for me to trust people. Antonio always told me, "You don't need people."

What do I need? What do I want?

I smiled when the sun finally shone on me,
but now it's setting,
and I'm getting cold.