Unhappy.

I don't understand any thing. My friends, my family, the future. I got a lot of stuff for college done and I was pretty excited. Then I got the bill~ My financial aid wont kick in in time because I had to wait too long for it. Why did I have to wait so long? My dad wouldn't give me his tax information. I asked him so many fucking times and he didn't do it. I looked myself since he wouldn't do it and I still couldn't find it! He finally got it one day before my placement test. I have 7 days to pay bunch of money that I don't have and if my dad had just given me the papers it would have been taken care of. I don't want to e ven go to college now. I didn't want to before.

My grandpa yelled at me and told me I should have gotten this stuff done months ago. I don't know how to do this kind of thing! I don't have any positive role model to help me with any thing! If I have depended on myself for my whole life how does he expect me to ask for help now?

All and all the only person to blame is myself. If I really wanted this shit to be done I would have started it months ago. That's the problem , I don't want to go to college. I think I'm a responsible person. I know that in order to make money in life I need to go to college. I wish I could be more whimsical and not have to worry about the future. I mean gosh, I'm only eighteen and I think like a forty year old. All and all..I don't want to go to college. I never have. I don't want to exist either..

Tomorrow will be another day.
Tomorrow my problems might go away.

Le Sigh

I don't like my boyfriend! I want to break up with him but I don't know how to do it... I could be crappy and send him a message on myspace or some thing, but that's not nice.. But I really don't like him as a boyfriend~ He's not my type at all. I really liked him since we liked a lot of the same things but..~ Yeah, he's too much like a kid to date. He doesn't even know how to kiss. Though, if I break up I will still have to see him since he's going to the same college as me..

Speaking of college! Jee, how scary. I think I need to become more mature and learn how to deal with people. College is full of new people that I don't know at all! That's scary. I don't like working with people so I hope I don't have to in any of my classes. I'm taking a placement test on Wednesday to see what classes I have to be put in. My friend Antonio has this plan for me.. Since it makes him upset to see my family is kind of not wonderful, he wants me to move away with him..hahaha. So after this semester of college I am going to move away~

For school they give you money to spend on things you need for school, like books and computers. I think they give $4,000 maximum. I think I'll buy a car! That way I can be more independent and not have to rely on other people for things I want. Yesterday Antonio told me, "You have to remember that you are alone in the world. If you want some thing you have to work for it yourself, no one will give it to you!" Ahh he's very right.. Yesterday Antonio also took me out to teach me how to drive hahaha. It was really fun but I'm glad the parking lot I was in was almost empty. ~

I want to travel but I'm afraid of air planes. ;_;!

I think I'm crazy.

Lately I feel a lot of emotions that I don't want!

If I think of some thing my mind goes on and on thinking about it untill I get sad..then I talk to a friend or some thing and feel better..but then I get jealous that the friend has other friends..Blah blah..

I don't know if I like my new boyfriend. He's trying to say he 'loves' me already and I've only known him a month. JEEZE. Then some girl is trying to 'steal my heart'. I think that's funny, girls liking me. I want to be a boy and they want me to be their man <33 YAY.

Lately I'm thinking about the future. I don't want to go to college but I know I have to. What ever could I do for the rest of my life that would make me happy? I don't know.

Summer school ended today. I feel the same about every subject as I did before going to summer school. Summer school was a waste of time really, my teacher was pretty unprofessional.. But whatever it's over! Hurray to me~

Death.

Death is a strange thing. Some times when I'm feeling a little bit crazy I can accept death. It happens. But in reality I am afraid for it every day. Why?

When you die it all stops. You're gone. In a few years you'll be forgotten and no one will remember or even know if you ever existed. It's scary. For this reason I want to make my life worth some thing- I want to effect some one..

Musicians are great, they leave their mark on the world. They can never be forgotten.
R.I.P J.Y <3