Hello.

Hello blog world. I would like to tell you about my day, because that is what blogs are for.

Today I was in a truck and it fell in a ditch.

Goodbye.

Farewell Tora.

I think..

:( I'm a bit sad over this one. I think he's suffering some where..

In my typical fashion..

I blog only to convey sadness.

Today, Loki died.

It seems I'm having bad luck.

心なんて 要らない

I have decided that it's useless to like people a lot, no matter what. If I feel like some one is a really good friend to me it makes me happy, but then I figure out they don't think I'm their friend so it's disappointing. The same is with 'love'. I like people too much and they don't ever like me back. I've asked myself "What's so important about love?" And I just don't know. Maybe people feel like they are complete when they're in love and have some one special to them..but I guess I should complete myself with other things. Love is not for me. Friends are not for me either I guess.

My friend is obsessed with a guy lately so she has been staying with me a lot. I guess I wouldn't mind if she stayed at my house to be my friend, but I think she just wants to stay here because it's closer to her boy friends house. It makes me sad. My friend Nikki moved in with her boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. I'm jealous of that.~

A King Has Died

Today, November 5th 2009, my precious Aniki has died.

I will miss her forever.

"Hello!"

I'm done saying hello to people.
I always talk to people first. It must make me seem annoying.
Since I do it every time.
FROM NOW ONNN. I'm not going to say "hello!" any more.

Alone

alone alone alone


I am all alone. 〜 ♪

Quick to anger.

I'm quick to bad emotions. Little things make me mad. After I'm mad, every thing seems terrible. I want to try to control my anger.. Also, I hate pictures.

It's my dream, obore sasetai~

Pictures

Today a lot of thoughts are running through my head.

Pictures.

I saw a picture of my friend on facebook~ They were nice pictures and he was smiling and happy. Usually he looks bored so I was glad to see him smile. Then I started to think that I wish I could make people happy.. BUT Mostly , I wish I could take pictures with people and look nice.~ Some times when I see a picture of two people I feel gross! Some people don't look nice together.. it's almost like a puzzle piece. They don't fit. Then when I see people who fit together it makes me mad since I don't think I fit with any one! Ah haha. I usually like to take pictures when I'm with my friends so I can remember the good times we had~ Though it's a little difficult to look at pictures of people you're no longer friends with. I don't like remembering people who aren't your friends any more. Ehh. Then I think about why we're not friends..and how I felt attached to them..~~

Friends.

It has occurred to me that the word 'friend' is different for every one. To me a friend is some one you care about, and that you see, and have fun with. Some times I think a person is my good friend and then I'm shocked to learn that they don't think I'm their friend at all. My friends that I have around here, that I went to school with.. They always leave me for boys! It's terrible. I don't know why people surrender themselves to lust and forget about the people who hold them while they cry.~ Recently some one told me that they thought I was their best friend, but I never talk to her? So it's weird. I think hanging out with people and enjoying their company is important for me. Usually I forget about people if they don't talk to me. I have a few friends that are far away but I have them buried so deep into my heart that I can never forget them even if I don't talk to them. It also surprises me how I click with people. My ex friend Eric and I clicked really fast and had a good friend ship, but it didn't last very long. I thought he was my good friend but he didn't think the same. My friend Tracia and I clicked pretty fast too! I remember I used to talk to her when I was younger and I really care about her but we lost contact through out the years. I heard from her last week though so it made me happy.~ Antonio is my friend..but he's my worst enemy too. I guess they say that there's a thin line between 'love' and 'hate' and I think it's true. It must be since it's easier to be hurt by some one you love, which makes it simple for them to cross the line into hate. Then you meet some people that it seems like its destiny to be friends with them. Like Ryota. I saw his site when I was looking around msn, and I sent him a message.. then like a YEAR later he messaged me back. Then it turned out that he was visiting a place close to where I live so I got to meet him. I don't know much about him but for some reason I really care about him too.. so that also makes me think we were supposed to meet and become friends.

Happiness.

What does it take for a person to be truly happy? I think obtaining pure happiness is impossible for people like me. For a moment I will feel happy and the next I'm not. I always get different ideas in my head about the future and what I think the outcome will be makes me happy. When some thing happens that changes my plans it makes me sad. But I'm very whimsical I don't know what I want! I think in order for me to feel accomplished I have to write out goals for myself. I don't know what kind of job I want to have in the future, but I have an idea of what kind of person I want to be. Perhaps if I really think about it I should work towards becoming that person..~ Or some thing. I really don't know.

Other Stuff.

I quit my job! It made me nervous as soon as I did it,but my dad just opened a store so maybe I can work there. I've been working since I was young kid and with school just ending and every thing I guess I felt a little burnt out and needed a break. When I told Antonio I quit he told me he was disappointed in me. But, you know..it doesn't matter if it disappoints him because he doesn't depend on me. Why does it disappoint him any way? He said some thing like "I never expected you to do this kind of thing.." I didn't kill any one! My brother told me I'm stupid..but he never had a job before so he can't say any thing to me either.~ I'm tired of people giving me their opinions when I dont ask for them. If I need help with some thing no one tells me any thing,but as soon as I act how I think I should I get all the critism the world has to offer! EUGH.

I have had a song stuck in my head called Snow White. I didn't really know what it was saying or any thing but the music to it was nice~ It was soothing to hear. But I looked at the lyrics now and I still don't understand it! However, one lyric I liked.

Pain is proof of living
Everyone and everything has it.
That is a tale from long ago.
No one knows.

Weirdo.

I'm a little bit strange..when ever I see a lovely man it makes me want to be a boy. *_* But beautiful women make me want to be a boy too nyahaha.

--

I met a friend that I've spoken too for quite a few years online a few months ago, and this Sunday until Tuesday I slept at her house. It was fun! I think we will be good friends for a long time. She's moving soon though.. Sad face.

Unhappy.

I don't understand any thing. My friends, my family, the future. I got a lot of stuff for college done and I was pretty excited. Then I got the bill~ My financial aid wont kick in in time because I had to wait too long for it. Why did I have to wait so long? My dad wouldn't give me his tax information. I asked him so many fucking times and he didn't do it. I looked myself since he wouldn't do it and I still couldn't find it! He finally got it one day before my placement test. I have 7 days to pay bunch of money that I don't have and if my dad had just given me the papers it would have been taken care of. I don't want to e ven go to college now. I didn't want to before.

My grandpa yelled at me and told me I should have gotten this stuff done months ago. I don't know how to do this kind of thing! I don't have any positive role model to help me with any thing! If I have depended on myself for my whole life how does he expect me to ask for help now?

All and all the only person to blame is myself. If I really wanted this shit to be done I would have started it months ago. That's the problem , I don't want to go to college. I think I'm a responsible person. I know that in order to make money in life I need to go to college. I wish I could be more whimsical and not have to worry about the future. I mean gosh, I'm only eighteen and I think like a forty year old. All and all..I don't want to go to college. I never have. I don't want to exist either..

Tomorrow will be another day.
Tomorrow my problems might go away.

Le Sigh

I don't like my boyfriend! I want to break up with him but I don't know how to do it... I could be crappy and send him a message on myspace or some thing, but that's not nice.. But I really don't like him as a boyfriend~ He's not my type at all. I really liked him since we liked a lot of the same things but..~ Yeah, he's too much like a kid to date. He doesn't even know how to kiss. Though, if I break up I will still have to see him since he's going to the same college as me..

Speaking of college! Jee, how scary. I think I need to become more mature and learn how to deal with people. College is full of new people that I don't know at all! That's scary. I don't like working with people so I hope I don't have to in any of my classes. I'm taking a placement test on Wednesday to see what classes I have to be put in. My friend Antonio has this plan for me.. Since it makes him upset to see my family is kind of not wonderful, he wants me to move away with him..hahaha. So after this semester of college I am going to move away~

For school they give you money to spend on things you need for school, like books and computers. I think they give $4,000 maximum. I think I'll buy a car! That way I can be more independent and not have to rely on other people for things I want. Yesterday Antonio told me, "You have to remember that you are alone in the world. If you want some thing you have to work for it yourself, no one will give it to you!" Ahh he's very right.. Yesterday Antonio also took me out to teach me how to drive hahaha. It was really fun but I'm glad the parking lot I was in was almost empty. ~

I want to travel but I'm afraid of air planes. ;_;!

I think I'm crazy.

Lately I feel a lot of emotions that I don't want!

If I think of some thing my mind goes on and on thinking about it untill I get sad..then I talk to a friend or some thing and feel better..but then I get jealous that the friend has other friends..Blah blah..

I don't know if I like my new boyfriend. He's trying to say he 'loves' me already and I've only known him a month. JEEZE. Then some girl is trying to 'steal my heart'. I think that's funny, girls liking me. I want to be a boy and they want me to be their man <33 YAY.

Lately I'm thinking about the future. I don't want to go to college but I know I have to. What ever could I do for the rest of my life that would make me happy? I don't know.

Summer school ended today. I feel the same about every subject as I did before going to summer school. Summer school was a waste of time really, my teacher was pretty unprofessional.. But whatever it's over! Hurray to me~

Death.

Death is a strange thing. Some times when I'm feeling a little bit crazy I can accept death. It happens. But in reality I am afraid for it every day. Why?

When you die it all stops. You're gone. In a few years you'll be forgotten and no one will remember or even know if you ever existed. It's scary. For this reason I want to make my life worth some thing- I want to effect some one..

Musicians are great, they leave their mark on the world. They can never be forgotten.
R.I.P J.Y <3

Women are relentless!

I mean 'relentless' in a bad way. It can be good if you think like "Oh she's not giving up her goal!" but.. "Jeeze, she's really mean and wont let it go." < I mean that.

I went to a graduation party for my friend. There was a boy at this party and my friend told me I should talk to him since he thought I was cute- whatever. So after every one bothered me about it I talked to him. He's kind of fat but it turns out we like the same kind of things so I am/was a little interested. My friends got mad at me! They told me to talk to this person then they got mad at me for liking him. EHH.

One girl lied to him about me. She said "Oh, she's nice but she still loves her ex boyfriend. You shouldn't bother with her."

Then my other friend is getting upset since she likes him too.. If she liked him so much why did she tell me to talk to him? I don't like being cute. I think that must be why people like me so much. All and all, I'm pissed at them. Also they like to talk about people when the person isn't around..so I know they're saying bad things about meee. Gah, I'm really pissed. I don't even like this boy! But they made such a big deal about it I thought I should flirt with him today any way. :)

Hnn. For some reasons the only e-mails I get any more are from some site called PORNTEAM.COM.. They have some pretty hillarious titles on there hahaha. I don't even know how they got my address.

I think I will use this after all!

After considering nothing, I thought I might want to actually write a blog. I wont write any thing wondrous though. Hm, but if you think about it "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" so maybe wonderful things are also. That doesn't make much sense, but that's alright!

I have a blog already but I think I'm really whiny in it.

Currently in my life I am attending summer school. I failed LAW so I get to go to a two hour class at 7:30 AM every day to repent for my sins. It's not very nice since I have to wake up early. During regular school I woke up AT 7:30. Tomorrow is going to be the fourth day of it. My teacher is a young guy, he's kind of funny. He's very distracting though. He gives us a bunch of work to do but then he has conversations with other students while we're supposed to be working. It's hard to concentrate! Especially since LAW is so boring. We have to read like a chapter out of the book every day and it's sooo uninteresting. It might be sad but I really don't care about American History. America is uninteresting to me too. I enjoy people making up conspiracies about politicians but I don't care about the government.

In this class I hope to become better educated on issues. I want some thing to spark my interests. Apparently we are going to do debates about 'hot issues' which I think should be fun. Today we had to write how much we agreed with these 'hot issues'. What were these amazing hot issues?!

Abortion
Gun Control
Gay Marriage
Taxing the RICH

Boring things like that. I forgot the other ones, but they were about foreigners getting automatic citizenship for sneaking in, and uhm.. setting race/gender quotas for jobs and schools.

I think abortion is okay. Guns should be controlled. Gay marriage I am iffy about. I mean, I am iffy about marriage in general. I see it only as a ploy to get people covered in insurance and stuff haha. I think marrying some one for 'love' is stupid. I would only get married if it was of merit to me in any way. Like, status..visas, that kind of thing. Deceptive marriages. Those are cool. Taxing the rich would be stupid.. Setting gender/race quotas is also stupid. People should be judged on their skill and not pety things like color and plumbing. ;D I don't think foreigners should get automatic citizenship for sneaking in either.

This class ends on August 10th! Let's see if my views change.

There wont be many wondrous words I reckon.

I am just using this so I can 'follow' my friends. : D Isn't that nice?~